Sunday, June 19, 2022

There is Such a Thing as Being Too Cool a Mom


Hey, hey, Horror Nuts! Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

So, maybe you might've heard that in addition to being a horror nut, I'm also somebody's mother.

Two somebodys in fact. And over the years, I have been accused of being a "cool" mom. What I've learned over the years is that fundamentally, there's nothing wrong with being a cool mom, per se.

Yeah, okay, there are ways to be a bad cool mom. Case in point, this week's movie!

Hellbender starring The Adams Family.

Well, not them, but pretty close.

This movie stars John Adams, Toby Poser, and their daughters Lulu and Zelda. They are a whole family of horror movie makers which is something that, I, as a member of a rather unconventional family, can totally get down with.

Here's the story in a nutshell.

Once upon a time, a witch(Poser) lives in the mountains with her daughter, Izzy(Adams Daughter #1), and keeps herself and her kid isolated from the rest of the world under the guise that she has an immune disorder that could get other people sick if she's around them.

To pass the time, Mom does cool stuff with Izzy like playing bass in a little band that they made comprising only the two of them and they make music that no one will ever hear because Izzy can't be around people.

Izzy also likes to wander around the mountains by herself, which is fine as long as she stays on the property...

Until one day, a hiker(Papa Adams) who has lost his way shows up. Mom goes to lead him back to the road, then decides it'd be better if he were just dust.

And it's at this point that things get sketchy for Izzy. Because of the mysterious man, Izzy starts exploring the edges of her property and comes upon a house where a teenage girl is hanging out.

As it turns out, the teenage girl is Amber(Adams Daughter #2) and the hiker's niece. Amber and Izzy become friends as Izzy decides to hang out and swim with her and Amber's friends.

Everything goes okay until one day, Izzy drinks a shot of tequila with her friends that has an earthworm in it...which has a negative effect on her.

She does the screaming and she also tries to choke Amber.

Aaaanyway, her mom who's been watching her with magic confronts her about and Izzy finds out that she is not sick at all, just an evil witch that gains power by eating meat...any kind of meat.

Yeaaah. ANY kind of meat.

So, Mom spends time trying to teach her daughter about her powers.

But...well...things don't go according to plan.

See, the thing that they're a race of really, really evil creatures called Hellbenders that gain life from consuming life.

Yeah, they're straight-up monsters. 

Which...well, here's the thing. Mom's backstory was that her mother was a monster like hers and she got out of control, so she killed her.

Because that's the only way you can kill one of them.

Seems kind of dangerous, right? Yeah...for whatever reason, mom is slow on the draw in regards to her daughter's evolution. Why?

She's got a bad case of cool mom-itis.  Mom spends a lot of her time thinking her daughter can be saved from being a monster that she doesn't really see that her daughter, a monster.

Even though she gets ALL kinds of signs all through the movie.  Even though she's got a whole book that shows her the future.  

Even though she is well acquainted with what could happen if Izzy discovers the full depth of her power because of what she went through with her own mother.

Instead of getting with the reality of the situation, Mom goes on a maggot acid trip and plays death metal with the budding monster in her house.

The end result, well, she gets to meet her daughter's monster face.

So, what did I think of this movie?  Honestly, on a personal level, I didn't like it for a couple of reasons.

1. I wanted more. There's so much potential for giving us some more history on the creatures in this story and not a lot was done in terms of that. It's a bummer that it wasn't there.

2. It ignores the fundamental rule about old monsters. You can't tell me a 16-year-old monster can beat a 147-year-old one without any kind of real fight.

I'm saying I would have LOVED to see them fight it out in the end. That's not what happens though and it was...well...disappointing, to say the least.

Still, I'm not going to give it a raspberry. I know all the critics and Rotten Tomatoes are giving this one its laurels, but it just didn't move me like that. 

Maybe if there is a sequel it'll earn a red jewel from me.  In the meantime:

Next week's movie! The Requin a fish movie!  Woo.  

See you next week!


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