Sunday, February 16, 2020

Did you say EDWARD CAMPER?

Hidey-Ho Horror Nuts! Welcome to another Will Twerk for Horror Movies!

So, you know how when you were a kid, you used to look up new and interesting things about serial killers and collect serial killer trading cards and spout out fun facts about the Aileen Wournos at Thanksgiving dinner?

No? Just me? Okay.

Well, if you knew anything about serial killers or true crime in general, then you might know a little something about Edmund Kemper.

Edmund Kemper was known as the “Co-ed Killer” back in the 70s because the majority of his victims were, well, co-eds. Hitchhiking ones. After killing a nice number of young women, he was eventually caught and is currently chilling happily in a penitentiary in California. No, seriously, look him up on Wikipedia. He reportedly passed on parole a bunch of times because he likes it there.

I know, right? Aaaanyway, like most serial killers, every now and then some filmmaker comes along and decides that they need to be the one to make a movie about them.

But what do you do if you are a filmmaker who wants to make a movie based on a serial killer, but hate that whole pesky task of researching?

This week’s movie!

Kemper starring Christopher Stapleton, Robert Sisko, Sean Thomas, Patricia Place, Andy E. Horne, Ken Weiss, and a bunch of “co-eds” that get murdered along the way.

So, let’s pretend that Edmund Kemper had a bestie who was working on the police force. And let’s pretend that he was using his high IQ to help his friend solve murder cases. And let’s also pretend that while he's doing that, he's also going around killing hitchhikers in 2008.

That’s basically this movie.

Here is usually where the synopsis goes, but as per every time when I'm just all the way over a movie, I'm bypassing the tedious task of laying out the events of a terribly predictable movie. Instead, let's look at what went wrong with Kemper.

1) Kemper is Wrestler Size.

The two notable facts about Ed Kemper was that he had a high intellect (his IQ was reportedly 145) and the fact that he is a monstrously large guy. Guys, he's 6'9. Do you know how tall 6'9 is?

Okay, so that's 7'0.

This is 6'10.

And we're supposed to believe that THIS guy is 6'9. Riiiight.

2) He liked to violate his victims

An addendum to that statement; In the very least, he violated his victims. He also dismembered and decapitated his victims. Most of the victims in this movie were all in one piece for the most part. Detective Harris would find a whole body in the woods and scratch his head as to who was killing them.

And meanwhile, his best buddy is stabbing his next victim in the car.

3) Kemper was not hunted down by the police, (not really)

Despite the fantastic idea that he and his bestie played cat-and-mouse like Morgan Freeman and Kevin Spacey in Seven was just that. A fantasy.  Kemper did the least confrontational thing and turned himself in. I know, I know. Not as dramatic, but then, this movie wasn't all that dramatic anyway.

4) Why are there cell phones in this movie?

Kemper murdered women between '72 and '73. Why is this movie taking place in 2008?  There's no reason for it to take place in 2008. Would it be too much effort to just make it in the 70s? I mean, how expensive is it to make it look like the 70s?  It can't be that much. Wasn't House of 1000 Corpses low budget? Didn't that take place in the 70s?

5) It's GAY-dar. Not guhdar.

One of Kemper's victims asks him if he's gay (you know before he murders her). He doesn't say either way, but she responds with something to the effect of "I have awesome guhdar." Besides the fact that no one was saying gaydar in the 70s, NO ONE HAS EVER SAID GUHDAR IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

6) His name was Edmund, not Edward.

They state his name as Edward in his hospital files. Edward. All I can think is, "no one even googled the real killer?" It's the first thing on the first page.  It would have taken a script supervisor all of ten seconds to type in Kemper to find out his actual name.

There was a lot more wrong with this movie. I mean, I'm pretty sure I saw a boom mike floating around in the background of a few scenes, even.

Yeah, so...

Let's just be happy I don't have to watch it again.

Next week's movie, The Banana Splits Movie. There are muppets, ya'll.  MUPPETS!

See you next week!


Sunday, February 9, 2020

It's Halloween...jack!

Hidey-ho, horror nuts! Welcome to another WTFHM!

So, this week we’re dipping back into the world of B-Movie horror. Now, if you’re a regular reader, you probably know that I have kind of a love-hate relationship with low budget horror movies. So much so that I know better than to judge the merit of a movie based on how much money it took to make it.

That’s the wonderful thing about the horror genre, really. Say whatever you want about the scary movies, every now and then something awesome comes out of having to string together a movie on a budget.

And once again, now is not one of those times.

This week’s movie!

The Curse of Halloween Jack starring Derek Nelson, Patrick O’Donnell, Peter Cosgrove, Lex Lamprey, Charlotte Mounter, David Lenik, Louise Rhian Poole, Tiffany Ceri, Phillip Roy, and Brendan Purcell II.

The movie takes place in a little town where, much like the town in Footloose, Halloween has been banned for some mysterious reason and...

Yeah, I lost interest around that point too. Let's just get on with this blog.

So, this is a slasher movie so we’re doing the four Bs – Blood, Boobs, Body Count, and Bad Acting.

First up:

Blood: D - 

I mean, there is blood, technically speaking. I mean, about a tube of it, but, yeah. It’s there. If you squint really hard.

Like, I think one guy had a cut on his neck from being axed? I wish I was exaggerating, but it was a cut. I mean, it was bad cut, but given they only had one tube of fake blood on the entire set to use, it clearly didn’t hit an artery or anything, so, don’t ask me how the guy died.

And by the way, honorable mention to a terrible kill. A girl gets a cell phone shoved in her mouth. No, not her throat, her mouth. Just her mouth. Like:


Boobs: F

Yeah, no boobs. None. Not even side boob. But the main character does do a really rad gear up montage. That’s something.

Body Count: A…I guess?

Okay, so, I counted about ten people, but IMDB says it was 20. If I wanted to be sure I’d have to watch it again and…I’m not doing that.

Bad Acting: Z 

That’s usually a good sign in a B-movie horror movie, but…

Look, you don’t have to be an Oscar winner, here, but you should at least look scared. Just a little. I mean, these were the most bored victims I’ve ever seen in my life. Seriously, guys, if YOU don’t want to be in this movie, why should I care about watching you?

And by the way, apparently, there must have been some kind of debate on set on how to pronounce Samhain. The above image is all the acceptable pronunciations which in this movie, switches to Sam-hane depending on who’s talking.

And, there was an exposition man that was a cross between Snake Plissken and the coach in Dodgeball. He growls and grumbles plot points and he, of course, magically knows how to kill the titular villain. With cap guns, a “heartfelt” monologue, a magic knife and a bomb.

I actually said WTF out loud at the monologue. Yeah. There really was a monologue!

So, yeah, big FAT raspberry. It was Birdemic bad.

Next week, we cover Kemper – a movie based on the serial killer Edmund Kemper? We’ll see, I guess.

See you next week!


Sunday, February 2, 2020

Bullthit at the House of Death

Hidey-ho, horror nuts! Welcome to another WTFHM!

So, this week’s takes us back into the horredy category. Well, more like the parody-horror category. (Porredy? Harredy?)

Anyway, this one’s an oldie but a goodie. Not quite in the land of Thriller Double Feature, though. It’s more in the Scary Movie/Airplane realm.

Today’s movie:

Bloodbath at the House of Death starring Kenny Everett, Pamela Stephenson, Vincent M’fn Price, Gareth Hunt, Don Warrington, John Fortune, Sheila Steafel, John Stephen Hill, Cleo Rocos, and Graham Stark.

So, the plot is pretty basic. Four sets of scientists go to a house where 18 people were murdered ten years prior and are systematically picked off one by one during the course of the night. In between all that are loads of shenanigans. So, let’s switch things up a little:

Things I Learned From This Movie

1) Switching accents when you flashback is probably a sign of a mental breakdown.

So, when two of the scientists, Dr. Mandeville (Everett) and his assistant Barbara Coyle (Stephenson) are settling into their room in the old scary house, the subject turns to Dr. Mandeville’s past when he’s triggered by the idea that people might be laughing at him.

Just like a Niagra Falls gag, he flashbacks into a time when he messed up a surgery and all the other surgeons laugh at him.

He chokes Ms. Coyle...then wakes up in bed with her. Apparently, random sex happens when he flashbacks.

2) The “What mole” gag is always funny.

Just like in at least two Mel Brooks movies, the “what mole” gag is always a winner. They play it up a little further with Deborah (Rocos) and Henry (Hill) who…by the way, say they’re scientists, but I’m not really convinced. Deborah talks about all the men she’s slept with and Henry talks about his “mole”…which is really a large, ugly looking birthmark thing. Whenever she points that out, he says something to the effect of “Mole? What mole?”

3) Don’t eat random meat pies you find in old haunted houses.

Dude, they find a random meat pie in a freezer and go; “Hey, dinner!” Don’t do this. Eating random food never turns out well.

4) Vincent Price is hilarious.

Like seriously. He’s only in a few scenes in this movie, but he spends most of his screentime taking the piss out of his over-theatrical style of acting. As the Sinister Man (That’s his name in the movie! Seriously! It’s in the credits!) he goes on and on in his Edgar Allen Poe style of speech boring the cheese and crackers out of his followers.

It’s also pretty funny when he swears. Which brings me to…

5) The word “faggot” means a bundle of wood.

No, really. It does. I have no idea how it turned into a slur, but language is weird that way. I still wouldn’t advise using it, though. It doesn't work out well for the characters in the movie either.

6) Ghost sex is fun?

I mean, it sure looked like Coyle was having a blast doing the ghost sex.

7) The variety of things one can use to murder a person

Such as a knife to the mouth through the phone, light saber decapitation, teddy bear stabbing, electrocution to the leg, toilet devouring, throat ripped out by arm demon, can opener to the neck, etc and so forth.

8) The word "Bullthit"

Used only once at the beginning of the movie. I'm still laughing about it. Ith pretty hilariouth.

Surprisingly, I did like this movie a lot. Parodies are weird for me. I will say I don’t like them, but to be honest, I’ve never not laughed at a parody movie. So, this gets a jewel.

Next week's movie is The Curse of Halloween Jack. The cover suggests about four movies I've seen before so...not sure if I've seen this one. Guess we'll find out!

See you next time!