Sunday, March 27, 2022



Hey, hey, Horror Nuts!  Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

Ah, relationships. Don't you just love love and marriage and all that jazz?

Okay, so it's not for everyone. It's particularly not for people who go to the carnival to ride every single ride in the park. I'm not slut-shaming, here. If you like to get down with more than one person at a time, go for it. Have fun. But if you decide you want to get married and this is you:

Let your boo know before you walk down the aisle. I'm just saying, couples that play together stay together and if your SO doesn't play well with others, well, maybe they just aren't the ones for you.

Case in point, this week's movie!

Deep Water starring Ben Affleck, Ana De Armas, Tracie Letts, Gracie Jenkins, Dash Mihok, Rachel Blanchard, Kristen Connolly, Jacob Elordi, Lil Rel Howery, and Brendan Miller.

So, once upon a time, Vic(Affleck), Melinda(de Armas) and Trixie(Jenkins) were one big happy family...or so it seemed. At the beginning of this movie, Vic and Melinda are heading out to a party.

At the party, Melinda meets another man...I forget his name so let's just call him Brad Damon(Miller). Anyway, she very, unabashedly starts flirting with him and almost immediately goes to make out in a dark corner with him.

Now, at a certain point, Brad Damon (who has earned that name because he looks like this, btw)

...decides to introduce himself to Vic and they engage in a dick measuring contest, of which Vic wins by suggesting that he murdered Melinda's last "good friend".

Well, word gets around that he said that to Brad and Melinda has the nerve to be pissed because, you see, that "good friend" went missing about a month ago. She tells him that he has to apologize to Brad Damon and for some reason that I don't understand, he agrees.

So, they have Brad Damon over for dinner. The dinner quickly dissolves into bickering between Vic and Melinda and Vic lobbies another threat Brad Damon's way. Brad Damon, (arguably the smarter of Melinda's lovers) dips out soon after.

Come to find out later, Melinda's first "good friend" has been found dead and now their mutual friend, Don(Letts) is giving Vic the stinkeye because Vic makes drones for a living.

So, everything seems cool between Vic and Melinda until Vic gets a call about a bounced 3,000 dollar check for some "piano lessons". He does a little investigating and wouldn't you know it:

Yes, that is Melinda and by my count, boyfriend number 3, The Piano Man(Elordi). So, she starts staying out all night to bone the Piano Man, at which point, Vic confronts her.

She's all like, "Hey, you want to know Piano Man's dick size?" and he's all like, "But we're married, we have a family" and she's all like "So?"

Okay, the next party they go to is a pool party. Melinda, of course, invites Piano Man and basically dry humps him all night in the pool in front of all their friends. 

Towards the end of the night, it starts raining and everybody gets out of the pool except Vic and Piano Man, who's had waaay too much to drink. Vic sees his opportunity and drowns the dude.

A little while later, they find Piano Man's body in the pool and after a failed attempt to save him, the police are called and they question everybody. Melinda is immediately looking at Vic like, "YOU KILLED HIM, YOU BASTARD!" Friend Don agrees because, you know, that whole rumor about killing boyfriend number one and the fact he makes drones and all.

Anyway, over the course of the next few days, Vic finds out his wife and Don are conspiring to prove that he murdered Piano Man. Vic finds out about it, confronts both Melinda, Don, AND the private investigator that they hired and tells them all to knock it off.

Okay, so, enter boyfriend number 4.


So, Boyfriend number 4, let's call him Dead Man Walking. Melinda invites Dead Man Walking over for dinner with the story being that he's an ex that just blew into town.

Well, it doesn't take Vic long to handle that situation.  With a big rock. Over the head. DMW falls down a cliff and Vic dumps him into a creek.

So, one day, Melinda says to Vic, let's go for a picnic out by the gorge where you obviously murdered my last boyfriend because I haven't heard from him in a couple of days. They do and Vic finds the body hasn't sunk to the bottom of the creek despite his efforts. He and Melinda leave, Melinda says something about losing a scarf.

He heads back to the scene of the crime where he finds Don who's all, "Gotcha! I'm calling the police" and jumps in his car.

What happens next is about the dumbest car chase I may've ever seen. I don't think I have the strength to go into it, but it ends with Don driving off a cliff and dying.


Somewhere in there, Melinda finds DMW's wallet in Vic's snail sanctuary (He breeds snails for some reason) and burns it. When he gets home, she tells him only that she saw DMW, indicating that she knows he killed him.

And that's it, folks.  That's the damn movie. Wanna guess what I thought of it?

Okay, so, it's my understanding (at least according to Wikipedia and probably the book it's based on) that they are supposed to have an open relationship. Like, she's open to pursuing other relationships. This really isn't indicated in the movie. Whenever one of Vic's friends is like, "So, you're just gonna let that happen", he just says something to the effect of him not micromanaging their relationship. He barely indicates her seeing other men is a prearranged thing.

BUT EVEN IF THAT WAS THE ARRANGEMENT, it's pretty clear that Melinda's propensity for heauxing has NOT been discussed to the degree it needed to be discussed. Especially since the absence of that discussion ended up resulting in two (possibly three) deaths. And another thing:

And Melinda's level ten disrespect is staggering. I'm not trying to promote domestic violence, but I gotta real when I say I am legitimately surprised Vic didn't kill her instead of her boyfriends. In the very least, divorce would have been way easier.

But, hey. Shout out to Brad Damon who was smart enough to skip town early in this dumpster fire of a story. Kind of wish I had, too.

Next week! No Exit, a movie I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna like, but I hope I'm wrong.  See you guys next week!


Sunday, March 20, 2022

Fresh Outta Luck


Hey, hey, Horror Nuts!  Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

So, this week I want to mention something I saw a TikTok creator say some time ago. He'd said something like, "One day, women are just going to stop dating men altogether...and we'll have no one to blame but ourselves."

(Pretty sure the creator was @ebonywarriorstudios, but I'm not sure. Follow him anyway if you're on the TikToks, though.)

This movie kind of illustrates one of the reasons why.  But before I get into it, I just want to say that this movie made me really angry, uncomfortable, and I just didn't want to watch it again if I could avoid it.

A friend of mine pointed out that maybe it was because I was on the outside looking in and, you know how we all yell at the screen with horror movies when the protag makes terrible decisions, right?

This though...well, let's just get into it.

Fresh starring Daisy Edgar-Jones, Jojo T. Gibbs, Andrea Bang, Dayo Okeniyi, Charlotte Le Bon, Brett Dier, and everyone's second favorite Marvel Anti-Hero Sebastian Stan.

So, quick synop. Once upon a time, a woman named Noa(Edgar-Jones) is trying to do dating on the internet. After a terrible date and some dick pics later, she meets Steve(Stan) in a grocery store. 

Noa and Steve hit it off fabulously and one day Steve asks her to go away with him for the weekend. Noa agrees. They head to his house where Steve promptly drugs her and chains her to a wall in a room and informs her that he intends on using her body parts to sell as prime cuts to rich people.

And, you know, he's a cannibal, too, so...

Anyways, like I said, this movie made me really uncomfortable in, like, a "I Spit On Your Grave" kind of way. As a woman, I'm pretty hyperaware of my surroundings and how I trust the men I encounter because...well, I'm a woman. Which made watching this movie really frustrating because I could see all the red flags long before our protag did.

So instead of a detailed rundown of this movie, I think I would be better served to do a: 

Horror Movie Dating Tips

1. Dating is NOT a sprint

One of the main red flags I picked up on in this movie was the speed at which Noa's relationship was going. It was almost like she was trying to meet a deadline and is purposely ignoring her cautious nature.

To be fair, it's her bestie, Mollie(Gibbs) who is the one who suggests she live a little, but that really didn't mean that Noa had to run away for the weekend with the new guy she's dating within a few dates after meeting him and Mollie is the first one to point this out.

Look, guys, it's really, really, really, really important to get to know a person before doing major things like spending long periods of time in isolated spaces with them. The fact is, the guy you met a few weeks ago is still, for all intents and purposes, just as much a stranger as the guy you just swiped left on.

My point?  Pump your brakes. If he's really all that, he's not going anywhere.

2. Trust your instincts

So, about your new boo. Here's the thing. Your friends are going to say things, your family is going to say things and they might be right or wrong about your new guy. Your instincts, however, have a 98 percent rate of being correct and will more than likely always be right. Listen to them.

At a couple of points in the movie, Noa gets some pretty loud warning signals. For instance, on the way out of town, she realizes that her phone has lost connection. The same thing happens when she's at his house. When she asks for his wifi, he ignores her and gives her a roofie laced drink.

Watching this, I got the willies. She's driven for miles and miles out of town in a heavily wooded area with no phone service. Now, by itself, I'll admit one could see themselves ignoring this particular issue...except that she really just met this guy and he's driving her out in the middle of nowhere.

3. If he says he doesn't have social media, he's lying

If Catfish has taught me anything it's this. Any grown person in America that tells you they don't have social media is probably lying because they don't want you to find out something about them. End of tweet.

And the thing is, even if for some reason he really isn't on any social media outlets, that does not mean you don't check anyway. ALWAYS check. A little cyberstalking early in the dating game can actually save you a lot of grief later.

4. Tell your people about your boo

One of the smarter moves by Noa is that she tells her bestie about Steve from jump. She gives her pertinent information such as his name and what he does that she later uses when she suspects things have gone awry. 

It doesn't REALLY help either of them much later, but that's mostly because she didn't heed this next very important point.

5. You are not Sherlock Holmes

Best friend, don't be Scatman Caruthers in The Shining, okay?

What I mean, is that if you think there's something off about your buddy's boo and it occurs to you to start looking for her because it really, really looks like she might be in trouble, don't put yourself in danger looking for them.

Like, if you can't go to the cops, I get it. But take a note from the people in Don't Fuck with Cats and do all your sleuthing from a safe distance. You don't know this guy. He could be a normal kind of psycho that rants and raves in a Starbucks or a full-on cannibal. Either way, remember you can't help your friend if you have an ax in your chest.

Okay, so let's say for whatever reason, like Noa, you don't know you're in a horror movie and you ignore the first two things and find yourself kidnapped. 


This is serious guys. The moment you find yourself trapped, you have to understand something. The person who trapped you does not have your best interests at heart no matter what he says.

It takes her a minute, but after realizing that she needs to get out of there no matter what, Noa starts hatching a plan to use Steve's affinity towards her against him. She manipulates him until she finds an opportunity to escape, which, fortunately for her, works out for the most part.

7. Kill your attacker

Okay, so I know some of you out there might be like, "Hey! Don't tell people to kill other people!" Hear me out, though.

If you are being held against your will and there is a very real threat to your life, ALL BETS ARE OFFICIALLY OFF.

The most frustrating thing about this movie is that it makes a very real-world point that at the moment when you know they are going to kill you, you need to understand that you need to take them out at the first opportunity. 

As humans, we're taught our whole lives not to do the murder and as women, we're kind of programmed not to make waves and not to be violent and all that blah de blah, but LISTEN TO ME. IF YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER, DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO BE SAFE.

At the end of this movie, Noa (and Mollie, at that point) have several chances to take out an attacker that they know would rather see them dead than to have them escape. They literally do everything but until they have very little option.

Most importantly, I want to be clear about something. I'm not victim-blaming Noa. I feel like her character is a lot like the rest of us in real life, which is probably why this movie made me hella uncomfortable.

That's all. There are a lot of real nuts out there. Stay vigilant and stay safe in the dating world.

What, however, did I think of this movie? I gotta be honest, I don't want to give it a jewel.  All things considered, I personally prefer movies where the female character is more aggressive in her attacks to the villain. It pisses me off that Noa didn't stab Steve until her hand cramped up at the very first opportunity.

But be that as it may, I recognize that that was probably the whole point. We all can't be Sheera.

So, next week's movie! Deep Water which I really hope isn't a remake.  

See you next week!