Sunday, November 10, 2019

Horredy...I'm making it thing




Hidey-ho, horror nuts! Welcome to another edition of Will Twerk for Horror Movies!


Okay, so, I want to take a second to wax poetic about comedy-slash-horror movies. Like every movie that I’ve got in my brain, the category of horror movies that make me laugh is safely tucked in a very small file.




I’m saying, it’s a very short list. Not that I don’t like Horredies (I have no idea if that’s a thing, but I’m going to make it one. I like the word ‘horredy’), I do...when they’re well done. I mean, Shaun of the Dead, Army of Darkness, even the Dude Bro Massacre thing I watched last week-ish were all pretty good horredies. I’ve come to realize that horredies really only need to live up to two requirements. Be funny and still be a horror movie.





It’s harder than you might think, apparently.


Anyway, this week’s movie!




Housebound starring Morgana O’Reilly, Rima Te Waita, Glen-Paul Waru, Ross Harper, Cameron Rhodes, Ryan Lampp, and Mick Innes.




So, first off, this movie kind of plays like a really elaborate lie. Not that that’s bad, in this case. It’s just...well, let me demonstrate.

All right, so, once upon a time, Kylie Bucknell(O’Reilly) and her buddy try to rip off an ATM machine. I say attempted because, well...  See, her friend tries to break into the machine with a sledgehammer. The sledgehammer hits him in the face and knocks him unconscious. Kylie uses a crowbar and pries the money out, drags her friend into the car and tries to drive away, but the car gets stuck on a speedbump.



Needless to say, she gets caught.

The judge decides that since she’s a repeat offender and has been to every criminal rehab place in town, she should spend the next seven months with her parents....whom she hates.




So, Kylie spends her time at home with an ankle bracelet, courtesy of her parole officer, Amos (Waru) eating all the food, hogging the tv, and generally being a burden on her parents. Until one night she hears her mother call into a radio station and talk about the ghosts in their house.




She confronts her mother and tells her, there’s no such thing as ghosts and to quit telling people that BS.




Later on, Kylie gets woken up by the sound of her phone ringing...with the most annoying ringtone ever created. (play at your own risk)




Yeah, so she follows the sound to the basement where a hand comes out of the wall and grabs her foot. She panics and runs screaming up the stairs where she runs into her mother on the stairs. She tells her someone is in the house and at that moment, they hear someone in the house…



Kylie grabs a blunt object and jumps the shadow lurking around the house and beats the crap out of him. Her mom turns on the light…




And it’s Amos. Amos showed up because while creeping around the basement, Kylie’s ankle bracelet went off. Sooo, being the probation officer, he had to come running.




Kylie explains to him that there might actually be a ghost in the house. Lucky for the Brucknells, Amos ghost hunts in his spare time. He agrees to set up some equipment in the hopes of catching some ghosts.




All right, so this leads us to what is, for me, the funniest part of the movie. Kylie’s sleeping and all of a sudden, an old Teddy Ruxpin like toy is sitting on her nightstand and has started talking to her in an eerie voice. She beats it up, then tosses it in the fire when it doesn’t shut up.



The next morning she’s taking a shower and, lo and behold, the demon teddy bear has returned. She freaks out and throws it out...again.



She tells Amos and he blows her off, more or less. And after talking to the court psychiatrist, Dennis (Rhodes) and reviewing the tapes he puts around the house, they suspect that Kylie and her mother are delusional.




 
While trying to be...fatherly, Kylie’s stepfather accidentally reveals that the house used to be a mental ward...and that a teenage girl was murdered there. 



This gets Kylie’s interest and she starts investigating what happened through clues around the house, books marked with the hospital’s logo, an old antique brooch, and a retainer. From this, she deduces that the crazy old neighbor must have attacked and murdered the girl for the brooch and now her soul is in a state of unrest.




Yeah, I know it’s a stretch. It gets better.




So, she gets with Amos and they plan to sneak into the crazy old neighbor’s house and steal his retainer. I know. How could a plan like that go wrong?



Right, so...

Kylie sneaks in, looks around the dirty house, doesn’t find the retainer. She tells Amos through a window that she’s going to take a look around because...why not?




She finds the neighbor asleep, with his mouth open. She decides, hey! This is a good opportunity to pull the retainer right out of his mouth while he’s sleeping. Surprisingly, the plan doesn’t work.




The crazy neighbor wakes up and she runs out of the house. She and Amos try to get away, but Amos gets caught in a bear trap (as would, of course, be hidden in the grass of a crazy neighbor). Kylie hides Amos under an old car cover and runs for it. When she gets to the house, Amos calls her and warns her that the crazy neighbor is heading for her house, with a gun.




Panicked, Kyle grabs some hedge clippers and hides. When she hears someone coming, she jumps out and starts stabbing. It’s too bad her stepfather, Graeme(Harper) has chosen that moment to come walking into the room.




So, while Graeme’s in the hospital, Amos decides to go back to the crazy neighbor’s house. He finds the retainer and old magazines surrounding the teen’s murder so many years ago. The crazy neighbor finds him and decides to tell him what really happened to the girl.




The reader’s digest version is pretty simple. His adopted son, Eugene (Lampp), was in the mental ward, not him. He’s not for sure that he killed him, but he thinks it’s possible. He disappeared years ago. There’s only one thing...Eugene didn’t like to leave the house.



I’m willing to bet some of you are ahead of me, here. Yeah, so, Kylie very soon after finds a hidden door in the house, which leads to a hidden room, where she finds, you guessed it, Eugene. Nope. No ghosties. Just a crazy recluse living in the walls. I feel like I’ve seen this plot somewhere before...I can’t quite place it…




So, anyway, Eugene chases her through the house because...I don’t really know. He’s a recluse? Anyway, she runs out of the house and runs to the police station and tells them, quite hysterically, that there’s a crazy person living in the walls of her house.




Amos shows up a little while later and corroborates the story, however, and the police come and investigate. They find nothing and call the court psychiatrist who manages to convince Kylie’s mom that maybe she should consider putting her away. When he talks to her, she realizes that he, too, wears a retainer and therefore must have something to do with the teenager’s murder.




She buys herself some time and goes to the basement to look at old files. Sure enough, the good doctor’s name is written down in an incident where the girl embarrassed him many years ago and nearly ruined his career. She and her mother confront him and he goes all crazy-eyed and attacks them both. He chases them through the house before they escape through one of Eugene’s hidden rooms.




From there, we learn that Eugene is just a nice crazy guy...even though he was just chasing Kylie through the house two scenes ago.




Yeah, so Eugene wants to help, but he’s quickly stabbed through a door by the crazy psychiatrist. He chases the some more, knocks Kylie out and starts strangling her mother. Fortunately, Eugene isn’t dead! (Don’t know how that possible as he was impaled, but whatever). He wakes Kylie up and gives her a big chord where she stabs the psychiatrist in the neck. Eugene throws a switch and Dr. Crazy Pants’ head explodes.




And they all live happily ever after.

I mean, basically. Seven months later, she gets the ankle bracelet off and Eugene, somehow, is still living in the walls.

Was this a proper horredy? I mean, it was pretty funny. And, it’s just barely a horror movie, really. So, okay. I guess it gets a jewel. I’ve seen better horredies, though. Maybe a pink jewel this time.




Okay, so, next week, unfortunately, I have to cover the Hostel series. Yes, I’ve seen the first one. I never bothered with the others because, if you’ve never heard me mention it, I’m not an Eli Roth fan. But *sigh* no one can ever say I don’t honor my commitments, so…

See you next week,


O~
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Sunday, October 27, 2019

I just realized I didn't put a title here! Whoops. :D




Hidey-ho, horror nuts! Welcome to another WTFHM!


This week’s movie is…well…

So, sometimes you just want to take a break from the heavy stuff (just watched American History X, Jim and Andy and Midsommar in the span of a week…and I’m listening to Tara Westover’s Educated on audiobook. I’m a little over the serious right now.) If you’re anything like me, however, and you still love your horror movies (especially during Halloween week), do I have the movie for you.

This week’s movie…

(I’m going to try to stick with the notable characters for this list. There’s like a cast of thousands in this movie.)




Dude Bro Party Massacre III starring Alec Owen, Ben Gigli, Olivia Taylor Dudley, Erik Sandoval, Jon Worley, Jimmy Wong, Greg Sestero, Brian Firenzi, Candace Buttiker, Brian McElhany, Nick Kocher, Kelsey Gunn, Jon Salmon, Andrew W.K., Patton Oswalt, Nina Hartley, and Larry King.

Yes. You heard me.



Andrew W.K. and his T-Shirt



Patton Oswalt



Nina Hartley (No judgment if you already knew who she is)



And even Larry King... who reportedly is in this movie because he always wanted to be murdered in a horror movie. I mean, we all have goals right?




So, this movie opens with the disclaimer that it was banned in the 80s and the only reason we’re watching it is because some brave teenager recorded it during the one time it was shown on television.




The plot of this movie…well, let’s not focus on the plot. It’s not important. The whole thing reads out like Markiplier directed the cast of Smosh in a movie written by Ninja Sex Party. (For those of you who don’t get that joke, ask the nearest 15 to 20-year-old for an explanation).



This movie is a satire, but it’s also a slasher film so, since a plot synopsis is a wash let’s measure it by the Four Bs.



Blood: A+++
You can’t make a horror movie satire without buckets and buckets of blood. Really, that’s the whole dang point of making a horror movie satire in the first place. Bring in the rain slickers before you watch this. You will get soaked on this ride.



Boobs: A++
Also, you cannot make a horror movie satire without boobs. Lots of boobs. Though…to be honest…there could have been more. They kind of show all the boobs you’re going to see during the recap at the beginning of the movie.



(And before you say it, I did not break a rule here. There is no Dude Bro Party Massacre I and II…not that I wouldn’t have watched it.)




Body Count: A+++
I’m not actually sure what the body count is in this movie. A lot of people die in the “recap” in the beginning as well as just about everybody else. Suffice it to say, it’s a lot. If I had to estimate, maybe 15 to 20? I don’t know. I tried looking it up online and apparently no one cared enough to do an actual count. So, let’s say 20-ish…plus a robot.




Bad Acting: A++++
I mean, did you really expect Shakespeare in a movie with Andrew W.K., Britanick, and Nina Hartley in it? No explanation necessary here.





So, yeah, it’s 10s across the board for this movie! This movie is completely ridiculous. There is no way around it. It’s a farce with head-explody. The question is, does it get a jewel?

I mean…it should, right? Meh. I’ll give it a Youtube Diamond Play Button.

So, next week's movie!  Housebound...it's a comedy/horror!  I sense a streak coming on.
See you next week!

O~
  *

Sunday, October 13, 2019

Why You Shouldn't Rob A Possessed House


Hidey-Ho, my people!!  Welcome to another WTFHM!!!  


So, this week we're doing another haunted house movie with haunted stuff in it. Woot.



Yeah, I'm not a big, big haunted house movie fan, but, well, it is what it is. This one doesn't have a whole lot of surprises really in the way of horror either, but, well, it wasn't the worst haunted house movie ever either.

So, let's just do and don't this one. Shall we?




House on Willow Street starring Sharni Vinson, Carlyn Burchell, Steven John Ward, Gustav Gerderner, Zino Ventura, Gina Shmukler, Ter Hollmann, Ashish Gangapersad, and Jonathan Taylor.



Okay, to set this up, Hazel(Vinson) and her boyfriend Ade(Ward), his cousin James (Gerderner), and their crime seasoned friend Mark (Ventura) have all decided to kidnap the daughter of a rich guy in this big house.


Very soon after they do this kidnapping, weird stuff starts happening and the fun ensues!





Do:

Plan for the worst. Early in the movie, Mark says something to the effect of expecting the unexpecting. That is to say, if you’re planning a big kidnapping, make sure you anticipate all the angles, but be ready when something you didn’t think of first.





Now, granted, I don’t know how well this applies to supernatural events, buuut at least this way it might occur to you to bring some holy water just in case the walls start bleeding.






Don’t:

Leave your crew on a need to know basis. Look, I know that you don’t want to have all your personal business in the streets and whatever, but you’re not secret agents. Like, if your whole family died in a fire in the same house that the girl you just kidnapped lived in, that might be important to know down the line. So, do yourself a favor and make sure everyone is on the same page before you go into potentially dangerous situations.




Do:
Use blunt objects to defend yourself. In most cases, that seems to work more often than not with supernatural creatures. At the very least, you might slow them down long enough to run. And since we’re talking about weapons… 




Don’t:

Go unarmed. Carry guns. More than one a person, please. However…




Do:

Know when the guns are useless. Guns work pretty well for two-legged mortal enemies. Not so much for demons and various other supernatural creatures. The moment you know you’re messing with demons, ditch the guns and start making crosses out of the spare wood.




Don’t:
Try to go back for anybody. Listen, there was more than one moment in this movie when the main characters lost precious running time by declaring that they have to go back for *insert name here*. While I’m all for the "everyone going home or no one going home" mentality, there’s are rare situations where it’s better for all involved if you can dip out whenever you can. That being said…





Do:
Dip out at the earliest time convenient, but…




Don’t:
Hide. They (the monsters) tend to find you way faster that way.

And last, but not least, 




Don’t:

Stare. There’s a lot of that going on in this movie. Staring at people getting possessed, staring at monsters getting burned, staring at being becoming monsters. Look, I get that all this is pretty fantastic and unbelievable, but all that staring you were doing is making it so the demon doesn’t have to run for far to catch up with you. Get while the getting is good!

So, did I like this one? Yeah. I guess. Well...

I mean, it had its problems, but it was a decent Saturday afternoon horror movie, so I'll give it a pink diamond.


Next week...is a movie!  Yeah, I forgot to grab another movie. I'm sure it has "House" in the title, though. :D

See you next week!
O~
  *