Sunday, July 3, 2022

But Seriously, Requin Means Shark


Hey, hey, Horror Nuts! Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

So, in the two years that I've been writing this blog, I may not have had the opportunity to express how much I dislike shark movies.

Well...not specifically shark movies. I think it's more the "I'm-stuck-out-in-nature-and-wild-animals-are-gonna-eat-me" movies. I've yet to see one that I thought was scary or was, at the very least, interesting.

I'm not saying all of them, but, yo, ever since Open Water there have been this string of Wildlife Survival movies that just...well, they suck. It's gotten so that now every time I see a movie that has a wild animal and a couple of people in it, I'm like,

That being said, I thought, maybe I would give another one a try. It's been a bunch of years since the last one, maybe somebody finally figured out how to make one of these movies scary. How'd that go?  Well...

This week's movie!

The Requin starring Alicia Silverstone, Jams Tupper, Dierdre O'Connell, Danny Chung, and Jennifer Mudge.

First off, before we get going, you can now click the titles of the movies I mention in this blog if you want to rent it from Amazon Prime. I'm telling you this now for a couple of reasons:

1) Amazon Affiliates pays me every time you guys watch something I recommend (Love horror movies, but I also like getting my bag)

2) The Requin is only available in 4K UHD on Prime, which, if you have a 4K tv, I HIGHLY recommend you watch it that way. We'll go into why in a little bit.

All right, so our story begins with Jaelyn(Silverstone) and her husband Kyle (Tupper). Jaelyn and Kyle are on vacation in Vietnam after she has a miscarriage. During their trip, a big storm comes in and washes away their hotel room, which just happens to sit on the ocean.

And now, they have to survive.  Simple right?

So, I'm not going to take you through this movie moment to moment this time because I don't want you to fall asleep while you're reading this.

See, we spend about 50 minutes of a 90-minute movie going over Jaelyn and Kyle's relationship issues, only to never speak of them again once the movie eventually gets going.

The miscarriage, for example, is only shown in flashes. We don't know hardly any details. We just know it happened and now Jaelyn has PTSD when she sees blood in the water...

Except when they're actually stranded and Kyle's leg is broken and he's bleeding in the water. Then she's fine.

When we do get to the actual event that strands them on the ocean, we're treated to a series of stupid that push them closer and closer to their dooms.

1) They don't leave the house ASAP

Two things. First, when the storm hits, they don't immediately get out of the house. They kind of go "Wah, what do we do?" until Kyle gets pinned under the bed and has his leg broken.

And after that, the house gets pushed into a rock and they decide not to try to climb the rock that's close to land so they could be rescued. This results in them being further screwed when they drift out to sea.

2) They never even attempt to build a sail

Look, I'm not saying they would have succeeded. I'm an average person, you know. I can't say that I have ever attempted to build a sail before in my life, however, I don't understand not trying.  I mean, LOOK AT ALL THE MATERIALS THEY HAVE IN THAT PICTURE! They have wood, sheets, bamboo-like things, empty water bottles, just tons of shit to work with.

But where would they go if they can't see land, you ask? Well...

3) They burn down their only refuge

At a certain point, they see both a plane and a ship. Jaelyn gets the bright idea to start a fire. The fire gets out of control, and they end up in the water.

They could have just made a torch. They made a damn campfire. On a wooden floor.

So, you're probably thinking that all this happens early in the movie. No, nearly 60-70 minutes in at this point.

Right, so at this point, the shark comes in, right? I mean, this movie is called The Requin and there is a whole ass shark on the cover, right?

Nope. Still gotta hang with Jaelyn and Kyle on a Titanic raft. I mean, we get a dolphin fake-out,  but that's it, really.

Okay, so FINALLY the shark shows up and attacks Kyle. In the last 40-30 minutes of this movie, Kyle's legs get bitten off and he dies, but they end up drifting to land.  End of movie, right?

I mean, she's on land now, right???  It's gotta be over.

No. The shark, which, by the way, we don't really see all that good yet, (We get some shark footage from Shark Week on the Animal Channel, but that's really it), The shark attacks her on shore and bites her leg.

She gets to land and finds a fisherman. The fisherman helps her, but then the shark kills the fisherman.  The shark tries attacking her, but she finds an engine (which she could have used to get the hell out of there) and fends off the shark with it.

And here is where the 4K UHD comes into play. I couldn't find a proper gif for this, which is a shame because Oh, My God, y'all. The shark in this movie...

I have never in my life seen a more fake shark than this and I was alive when Jaws first came out. 

If I have said it once, I've said it a million times. CGI is not like Franks Red Hot. You CANNOT put that shit on everything. 

And I don't have a 4K TV, myself, but lemme tell you, as much as I love a good garbage movie, I can only imagine how this scene has to look in 4K.

Anyway, Jaelyn kills the fake-ass shark and that's it, right?  The titular character who's only in a third of the movie is dead, so?

I mean, it's almost over. She ends up drifting on the boat (don't know why. She was really close to land) until she ends up near a fishing village.

Yeah. That's it. That's this trash movie in a nutshell.

I love a good garbage movie. Especially when it's on Room level like this one is. But I think the Horror Movie Gods would smite me if I gave this awful movie a jewel, sooo...

If you like garbage like I do, though, definitely watch this film. 

Anyway, next week's movie, The Long Night. People wear animal heads on the cover. That's a good start.

See you next week!


Sunday, June 19, 2022

There is Such a Thing as Being Too Cool a Mom


Hey, hey, Horror Nuts! Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

So, maybe you might've heard that in addition to being a horror nut, I'm also somebody's mother.

Two somebodys in fact. And over the years, I have been accused of being a "cool" mom. What I've learned over the years is that fundamentally, there's nothing wrong with being a cool mom, per se.

Yeah, okay, there are ways to be a bad cool mom. Case in point, this week's movie!

Hellbender starring The Adams Family.

Well, not them, but pretty close.

This movie stars John Adams, Toby Poser, and their daughters Lulu and Zelda. They are a whole family of horror movie makers which is something that, I, as a member of a rather unconventional family, can totally get down with.

Here's the story in a nutshell.

Once upon a time, a witch(Poser) lives in the mountains with her daughter, Izzy(Adams Daughter #1), and keeps herself and her kid isolated from the rest of the world under the guise that she has an immune disorder that could get other people sick if she's around them.

To pass the time, Mom does cool stuff with Izzy like playing bass in a little band that they made comprising only the two of them and they make music that no one will ever hear because Izzy can't be around people.

Izzy also likes to wander around the mountains by herself, which is fine as long as she stays on the property...

Until one day, a hiker(Papa Adams) who has lost his way shows up. Mom goes to lead him back to the road, then decides it'd be better if he were just dust.

And it's at this point that things get sketchy for Izzy. Because of the mysterious man, Izzy starts exploring the edges of her property and comes upon a house where a teenage girl is hanging out.

As it turns out, the teenage girl is Amber(Adams Daughter #2) and the hiker's niece. Amber and Izzy become friends as Izzy decides to hang out and swim with her and Amber's friends.

Everything goes okay until one day, Izzy drinks a shot of tequila with her friends that has an earthworm in it...which has a negative effect on her.

She does the screaming and she also tries to choke Amber.

Aaaanyway, her mom who's been watching her with magic confronts her about and Izzy finds out that she is not sick at all, just an evil witch that gains power by eating meat...any kind of meat.

Yeaaah. ANY kind of meat.

So, Mom spends time trying to teach her daughter about her powers.

But...well...things don't go according to plan.

See, the thing that they're a race of really, really evil creatures called Hellbenders that gain life from consuming life.

Yeah, they're straight-up monsters. 

Which...well, here's the thing. Mom's backstory was that her mother was a monster like hers and she got out of control, so she killed her.

Because that's the only way you can kill one of them.

Seems kind of dangerous, right? Yeah...for whatever reason, mom is slow on the draw in regards to her daughter's evolution. Why?

She's got a bad case of cool mom-itis.  Mom spends a lot of her time thinking her daughter can be saved from being a monster that she doesn't really see that her daughter, a monster.

Even though she gets ALL kinds of signs all through the movie.  Even though she's got a whole book that shows her the future.  

Even though she is well acquainted with what could happen if Izzy discovers the full depth of her power because of what she went through with her own mother.

Instead of getting with the reality of the situation, Mom goes on a maggot acid trip and plays death metal with the budding monster in her house.

The end result, well, she gets to meet her daughter's monster face.

So, what did I think of this movie?  Honestly, on a personal level, I didn't like it for a couple of reasons.

1. I wanted more. There's so much potential for giving us some more history on the creatures in this story and not a lot was done in terms of that. It's a bummer that it wasn't there.

2. It ignores the fundamental rule about old monsters. You can't tell me a 16-year-old monster can beat a 147-year-old one without any kind of real fight.

I'm saying I would have LOVED to see them fight it out in the end. That's not what happens though and it was...well...disappointing, to say the least.

Still, I'm not going to give it a raspberry. I know all the critics and Rotten Tomatoes are giving this one its laurels, but it just didn't move me like that. 

Maybe if there is a sequel it'll earn a red jewel from me.  In the meantime:

Next week's movie! The Requin a fish movie!  Woo.  

See you next week!