Hey, hey, Horror Nuts! Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!
Ever wonder how Teen Wolf might've played out of Scott Howard had been an angsty Billie Eilish/Lorde-esque pop star instead of an average teenager in 1980s suburbia?
Neither have I, but here we are anyway.
Yeah, yeah, I know I said I was going to review a vampire movie and, to be honest, that's what I thought this next movie was going to be. That's what I get for not vetting movies before I watch them, I guess.
So, here's the thing. I like a good werewolf movie as much as the next girl. The problem by and large, however, is that there just aren't enough good ones out there. Like, I could sit here and rattle off at least five halfway decent vampire movies. Meanwhile, werewolf movies be like:
I mean, I don't know who's in charge of the werewolf movie-making department of the imaginary horror production company in my brain, but ya'll need to step your game up.
Which leads me to this week's movie:
Bloodthirsty starring Lauren Beatty, Greg Bryk, Katherine King So, Judith Buchan, and Michael Ironside.
Yes, yes, THAT Michael Ironside. He plays Dr. Swann, the dude managing the treatment of Grey(Beatty) with her "hallucinations". He's only in it for a minute though. Try not to blink or you will miss him.
Anyway, Grey and her girlfriend Charlie (So) are hanging with Kroger Brand Matthew McConaughey at his secluded compound because that sounds really safe when you say it out loud...
I know, I know. I'm sucking all the fun out of discovering the plot. Believe me, that's not going to be the most shocking thing about this story. It takes you through the tale the long way, though. This story draaaagggsss like a wounded horse through fields of dark camera work and emo Lana Del Rey vocal riffs. I challenge you to stay awake long enough to find out the big twist at the end.
But, you know, once you get there, it's Gucci, as the kids say.
The big twist, if you're interested, is simply this: Bargain Basement McConaughey reveals to Grey that a) She is a werewolf. Then he locks her up so she can change into a werewolf
Now comes the question, did I like it? I mean...well...No. Not really. I gotta give it a raspberry.
Look, I tried to like this movie. It was fairly visually striking, the few special effects that were involved were decent, and I loved the strong female lead. It just read more like a drama with a little latex and fake blood sprinkled in. And I do mean sprinkled.
Anyway, next week! I'll be watching There's Someone Inside Your House. I know nothing about it! I hope it's good?
See you next week!