Sunday, May 12, 2019

Nazi Punks, F*ck Off!!!

Hey everybody! Welcome back to another edition of WTFHM!

First, let me address the elephant in the room. Yes. I missed another post. This time it was for a good reason, though. If you’ve been following my social media pages (found here, here, and here) then you already know what’s up.

I went to Penguincon this year! What’s Penguincon? It’s a multimedia convention where you can meet some of your favorite local authors (and some not so local). This year I got to hang with my good friend Mary Lynne Gibbs, author of a bunch of really good YA novels as well as meet several others in this our wonderful field of literature. Many thanks to the organizers for putting on such a swank event. :D

So. Moving on. Since I missed a week, I wanted to get back in the habit of doubling up on the reviews. Unfortunately, the nature of next week’s reviews won’t really allow me to do that, sooo-wah, one movie this week. I’ll make it up in spades next week. Promise.

All right, here we go:

Green Room starring Sir Patrick Stewart, Anton Yelchin, Joe Cole, Alia Shawkat, Callum Turner, David Thompson, Mark Webber, Macon Blair, and Imogen Poots.

The rundown of this one is pretty simple. Punk band gets trapped in a club full of Nazis, Nazis find various ways to murder punk band because, as we all should know by now, Nazis suck.

So, what do you say we play a game of dos and don’ts for this one? Special Punk Edition.


Take your band on a road trip! So, if you happen to be in a punk van, definitely go on tour and definitely do it in a dirty old band. I know. I know. Many, many horror movies begin with a pack of college kids on a road trip, but let me point out that road trips are not the cause of horrible things happening. Bad decisions are. Which leads me to the first don’t.


Agree to play at a Nazi club. Let me say this louder for the back. DO NOT AGREE TO PLAY AT A NAZI CLUB/FUNCTION/OR GENERALLY ANY PLACE WHERE NAZIS REGULARLY CONGREGATE. The same goes for Skinheads, Klan, Nationalists and Alt-Right functions. Don’t do it no matter how much they pay you! Bad, bad things will happen to you!
*This advice excludes Nazis, Skinheads, Klan members, Nationalists, and Alt-Right folks. You guys can have at it.*


Play well. If you should so happen to find yourself at a Nazi club, do a good job. Play loud, play hard, and strive for stirring up a mosh pit, but…


Play a cover of “Nazi Punks F*ck Off”. In the very least, people will throw bottles at you.

I mean, unless, like the band in this story, you decide that there is nothing more punk than playing an anti-Nazi song at a Nazi function. All I’m saying is that if you do it, be prepared to duck and make sure your stuff is nearby so you can get out of dodge…which leads me to


LEAVE YOUR STUFF NEARBY! So, things begin to go awry for our heroes when Sam(Shawkat) the bassist realizes she’s forgotten her phone in the ‘Green Room’. Guitarist Pat (Yelchin) goes to get it, only to find the band that comes after them has murdered someone. He sees them, they see him, the owners of the club make the executive decision to make sure they never leave the Nazi Club alive.


EVER stick your hand in dark places. While being held hostage in the green room, club owner Darcy (Stewart) convinces Pat to hand him a gun through the door. Needless to say, Darcy takes this moment to slice the hell out of his arm. Don’t do it, folks. Keep your hands to yourself whenever possible.


Get with the program. One of the toughest things to get around in a survival type horror film is the slow pace of how people’s brains move in an impossible situation. If everybody gets on board with the idea that we need to arm up and kick butt ASAP, then we’ll all have a better chance of survival. Screw reason. Screw negotiation. Get something heavy. Get some blunt objects. Get to swinging.

That being said, to the character’s credit, they do get with the situation fairly quickly. Things are bad. Really bad. And they start making real choices. Unfortunately, they don’t get a real lay of the land until the last half hour of the movie and by then, most of them are dead. But anyway…


Travel long distances without minor league weapons. Now, I’m not advocating rocket launchers or anything, but if you’ve got a concealed carry – then carry. Otherwise, bring a taser or a board with nails in it. Just keep something to help you out if you find yourself trapped in a Nazi Club.

Now, to our heroes credit, one of them did know some kind of martial art, but it was only really helpful at the beginning of their ordeal. I maintain that a well-placed taser might have given them a little more leverage. Which reminds me…


Consider bringing one of those dog mace things that mailmen carry with you. During the siege where the Nazis have the punk band trapped in the club, they decide to bring in the dogs. Literally. One of the Nazis has a fleet of dogs that he sends in to attack them from time to time. Now I realize that sort of thing is hard to predict, but better have it in your emergency kit and not need it, I always say.

And lastly,



So, my entire take on Green Room? Yeah, it gets a jewel. It was a pretty good movie. All jokes aside, it was very well put together, plotwise and even acting wise. A + + +

All right, so as I mentioned next week is going to make up for my lack of posting two movies this week. We’re covering The Grudge Series. Before you get on me about whether or not I’ve seen it... well, it’s complicated. Anyway, see you next week!