Sunday, June 19, 2022

There is Such a Thing as Being Too Cool a Mom


Hey, hey, Horror Nuts! Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

So, maybe you might've heard that in addition to being a horror nut, I'm also somebody's mother.

Two somebodys in fact. And over the years, I have been accused of being a "cool" mom. What I've learned over the years is that fundamentally, there's nothing wrong with being a cool mom, per se.

Yeah, okay, there are ways to be a bad cool mom. Case in point, this week's movie!

Hellbender starring The Adams Family.

Well, not them, but pretty close.

This movie stars John Adams, Toby Poser, and their daughters Lulu and Zelda. They are a whole family of horror movie makers which is something that, I, as a member of a rather unconventional family, can totally get down with.

Here's the story in a nutshell.

Once upon a time, a witch(Poser) lives in the mountains with her daughter, Izzy(Adams Daughter #1), and keeps herself and her kid isolated from the rest of the world under the guise that she has an immune disorder that could get other people sick if she's around them.

To pass the time, Mom does cool stuff with Izzy like playing bass in a little band that they made comprising only the two of them and they make music that no one will ever hear because Izzy can't be around people.

Izzy also likes to wander around the mountains by herself, which is fine as long as she stays on the property...

Until one day, a hiker(Papa Adams) who has lost his way shows up. Mom goes to lead him back to the road, then decides it'd be better if he were just dust.

And it's at this point that things get sketchy for Izzy. Because of the mysterious man, Izzy starts exploring the edges of her property and comes upon a house where a teenage girl is hanging out.

As it turns out, the teenage girl is Amber(Adams Daughter #2) and the hiker's niece. Amber and Izzy become friends as Izzy decides to hang out and swim with her and Amber's friends.

Everything goes okay until one day, Izzy drinks a shot of tequila with her friends that has an earthworm in it...which has a negative effect on her.

She does the screaming and she also tries to choke Amber.

Aaaanyway, her mom who's been watching her with magic confronts her about and Izzy finds out that she is not sick at all, just an evil witch that gains power by eating meat...any kind of meat.

Yeaaah. ANY kind of meat.

So, Mom spends time trying to teach her daughter about her powers.

But...well...things don't go according to plan.

See, the thing that they're a race of really, really evil creatures called Hellbenders that gain life from consuming life.

Yeah, they're straight-up monsters. 

Which...well, here's the thing. Mom's backstory was that her mother was a monster like hers and she got out of control, so she killed her.

Because that's the only way you can kill one of them.

Seems kind of dangerous, right? Yeah...for whatever reason, mom is slow on the draw in regards to her daughter's evolution. Why?

She's got a bad case of cool mom-itis.  Mom spends a lot of her time thinking her daughter can be saved from being a monster that she doesn't really see that her daughter, a monster.

Even though she gets ALL kinds of signs all through the movie.  Even though she's got a whole book that shows her the future.  

Even though she is well acquainted with what could happen if Izzy discovers the full depth of her power because of what she went through with her own mother.

Instead of getting with the reality of the situation, Mom goes on a maggot acid trip and plays death metal with the budding monster in her house.

The end result, well, she gets to meet her daughter's monster face.

So, what did I think of this movie?  Honestly, on a personal level, I didn't like it for a couple of reasons.

1. I wanted more. There's so much potential for giving us some more history on the creatures in this story and not a lot was done in terms of that. It's a bummer that it wasn't there.

2. It ignores the fundamental rule about old monsters. You can't tell me a 16-year-old monster can beat a 147-year-old one without any kind of real fight.

I'm saying I would have LOVED to see them fight it out in the end. That's not what happens though and it was...well...disappointing, to say the least.

Still, I'm not going to give it a raspberry. I know all the critics and Rotten Tomatoes are giving this one its laurels, but it just didn't move me like that. 

Maybe if there is a sequel it'll earn a red jewel from me.  In the meantime:

Next week's movie! The Requin a fish movie!  Woo.  

See you next week!


Sunday, June 12, 2022

Covid: A Documentary

Hey, hey, Horror Nuts! Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

So, remember when the pandemic first happened and we all joked about how completely screwed we'd all be in a zombie apocalypse because of people?

And, and remember how when the pandemic was in full swing people who couldn't go to Starbucks or go get a haircut lost their shit?

Yeah and, like, remember how all of Australia was burning and people were burning cities to the ground and how we came this close to just, full-on pandemonium?


Anyway, this week's movie!

The Sadness starring Regina Lei, Berant Zhu, Ying-Ru Chen, Tzu-Chiang Wang, and Ralf Chiu.

Before we get into this one, I have to let you guys know. This is a Tier 4 Movie.

Somewhere in the two years that I've been writing this blog, I'm pretty sure I listed my personal Tier system for horror movies, but it's buried somewhere in blog post hell, so, I can't find it.  

Here's a quick recap.

If you can watch it with Gramma and your five-year-old, it's a Tier One

If you've seen it on network television and even with the curse words dubbed over it still gives you the willies (or is responsible for a phobia you still carry into adulthood), probably a Tier Two

If it has copious amounts of blood and guts and has the feel of a haunted carnival ride, if you've seen it in a full theatre of screaming moviegoers, if you're steady talking about how not scary the movie was, but still keep that antique mirror Nana gave you covered up and in storage because of what you just saw, Tier Three.

And finally, if whatever you just saw on the screen you never EVER want to see (or maybe even speak of) again regardless of if you thought the movie was good or not, Tier Four.

(And if you know, you know)

For the record, Tier Four movies are for PROFESSIONAL HORROR NUTS ONLY.  They are NOT for lightweights or the casual watcher.  What you are about to witness is absolutely guaranteed to mess you up. Proceed with caution.

Seriously! I used to tell my female friends that if you want to know whether or not a guy is safe to date, watch a high Tier Four with him. If he is thoroughly enjoying himself, lose that dude's number. You might become a funny smell in his crawlspace messing with him.

That being said...

This week's movie begins pretty unassumingly for a literal 15 minutes. A young couple out in China living their lives. Kat(Lei) wants to go on vacation, Jim's(Zhu) got plans, whatever.

Anyway, Jim drops Kat off at the train station so she can go to work, then stops off at a food place...and that's about when this movie gets all the way live.

Seriously. You have approximately fifteen minutes to finish your popcorn before this movie takes off and that is it.

See, there's this virus that turns people into grinning psychopaths that don't want to do anything but kill and rape and pillage.

Hold up, you say? You've seen this movie before, you say?

Yeah, you have. A few times, in fact. The aisle of the Zombie section of the horror store is actually sectioned off in two. Dead Zombies and Living Zombies. It's Night of the Living Dead over here and The Crazies over there. Where this movie elevates the game is in its brutality.

Hey, so do fingers get cut off?  Yerp. 

Any faces getting pulled off?  Yeeerp.

Ax Murderers?  YESSIR!

Oh, but the blood. Is there any of that?


I'm pretty sure that's literal, too. There's a whole lot of blood in this movie.

Listen, I'm not a lightweight when it comes to horror movies, but I spent the majority of this one like:

As far as the plot, well, it's pretty simple. Boy loses girl. Girl spends the majority of the movie escaping a sex-crazed ax-wielding murderer. Boy spends the movie trying to find girl. Only one of them lives to tell the tale. No big surprises there.

But, yo, it is balls to the wall, edge of your seat type shit. It's horror with the undercurrent of the madness of humanity treated like a rampant sickness (as all the best Zombie movies will do). It is topical. It is intense. It is a GD masterpiece.

And while it still has not dethroned the current title holder of my Tier Four list of movies, I can confidently say it is probably the second most fucked up thing I've ever seen in my life. And, sir...

So, what did I think?  Honestly, I have a deep appreciation for it. I don't know if I can use the words enjoy or like in terms of my personal feelings about this movie but as a connoisseur of horror movies, I can say that this is top shelf. This is not the kind of liquor you gulp down.  This here is forty-year-old Scotch.

Would I ever watch it again? Hell no.

Will I give it a jewel?

Respect is given where respect is due. It was well done and expertly put together. I have nothing but high praise for it.

Next week's movie, Hellbender. Something, something teen angst and witchcraft.WEEEE!

See you next week!