Sunday, January 30, 2022

Chex Mix Horror Movie


Hey, hey, Horror Nuts!  Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

Okay, so in my hometown of Detroit, MI, liquor stores and gas stations are all purpose places.  I can't say for anywhere else in the United States, but generally speaking liquor stores and gas stations in the inner city are typically places where you can do more than just buy liquor and get gas.

Like, a short list that I've witnessed would include:
-- Pay your cellphone/utility bill
-- Buy groceries
-- Get new clothes/Lingerie
-- Buy toys
-- Get a Tattoo
-- Get a massage

And the list goes on.

One might suggest that the average neighborhood Liquor store/Gas station has entirely too much going on at the end of the day. And you might be right. I've been in places where I only knew I wasn't in a mall was because I saw gas pumps outside. Case in point:

This week's Movie!

We Need To Do Something starring Sierra McCormick, Vinessa Shaw, Pat Healy, Lisette Alexis, John James Cronin, and Ozzy Osbourne.

Yeah. The fact that he's in this movie isn't the amazing part though.  Ozzy's done cameos in lots of movies.  The amazing thing is that you don't see him and he only has one line and it's probably the best line in the whole movie.

Lemme just run the synopsis. Don't worry. It's short.

So, there's this family, right? A big storm comes through and they all hide in the bathroom. The storm presumably destroys their house and traps them in the bathroom where (and it takes nearly halfway through the movie to get to this point) there's clearly something supernatural happening outside.

I think the best way to go through this one is to do a kind of good/bad list. Just because this movie had a lot going on in it.

First, The Good

The cast was relatively well chosen. I genuinely felt for some of kind of way about all the characters. Not exactly positive for the most part, but, I don't think I was supposed to feel good about any of them. 

I mean, all the characters were kind of assholes, but I'm fine with that.

And there were some legitimately scary moments. Most of which having nothing to do with anything supernatural. As the dad, Robert(Healy), became more and more unhinged as the movie went on, I was really starting to worry that he was just going to kill all of them in the end. 

(Spoiler alert. He doesn't.)

So, side note: I don't typically go for 'Trapped inna Closet' type horror movies.  What I mean are the "OMG-IM-TRAPPED-IN-A-COFFIN-SURROUNDED-BY-SHARKS-IN THE MIDDLE-OF-NOWHERE-AND-WOLVES-ARE-GOING-TO-EAT-ME-IF-I-JUMP-OFF-THIS-SKI-LIFT" kinds of movies. Usually because there's nothing really scary about them to me. A person is trapped somewhere and we spend two hours watching the same people in the same scene slowly go crazy. I'm not into it.

However, I will say that the added supernatural content of this film definitely shook things up a bit in a lot of great ways...

The Bad

There's no follow through. Like, okay, we don't ever see the monster (save for its tongue) and that's fine, but there aren't very many follow up scares involving the monster. I mean, there are a couple of things like we hear some kind of gunfight between what we assume is the military and the unseen monster, and maybe some rumbling here and there, but that's really all we get.

The majority of the scares are carried by the cast and some suggestion of maybe some things happening. If the writing had been a hair better that might've been enough, but, meh.

There's also a lot of not explaning going on in this movie. Like, I don't mind that in horror you don't have to explain every little detail. You can, however, take the opportunity to make it a little scarier by giving us just a touch more and explaning away an off screen death.

Maybe a bigger budget would have helped?

But, the most egregious thing was just that there was very little cohesiveness in the story. Like a Detroit Gas Station/Liquor store it really felt like the filmmakers weren't sure what type of horror movie they wanted to make. Is this a psychological horror? Is it a gorey horror movie? Is this a demonic horror movie?

Yeah, the focus for this movie was all over the place, which is a shame, because it was ALMOST a good movie. 

So. Yeah. I can't give it a jewel-jewel. But I guess I can it a pink jewel.

Okay, so next week's movie! Black Box!  Hope it takes place in more than one venue!

See you next week!


Sunday, January 23, 2022

Eating Your Candy with The Pork and Beans


Hey, hey, Horror Nuts!  Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

So, when you get to be around my age, (assuming you've got family who still talk to you on the regular) you start to think about the fast approaching final chapter of your meager existance.

One of the things that may come up in conversation is what happens on the day that you 'can't fall'. What I mean is that there are three stages of life in my opinion: 

1. Totally can fall: Birth to about 39.  Basically you can take a fall on cement with a little more than some bruises and some damage to your pride.

2. Probably shouldn't fall: 40-50 You'll more than likely survive taking a tumble in a parking lot, but not without some injury (ranging from week long soreness to straight up breakage).

3. Can't under any circumstances fall: 51-death Walk very, very carefully because one trip and you'll be in the hospital with a broken hip for months.

I'd say that everything is all good in your life until you hit number three, at which point, if you have not discussed your future well being with your family, you probably should have a sit down with them.

When that happens and the question of a home comes up, might I suggest to just bite the bullet and take care of your gramma? Allow me to plead my case:

This week's movie!

The Manor starring Barbara Hershey, Bruce Davidson, Nicholas Alexander, Jill Larson, Fran Bennett, Katie Amanda Keane, Ciera Payton, Nancy Linehan Charles, Shelley Robertson, Stacey Travis, Devin Kawoaka, and Cissy Wellman.

So, this is Judith (Hershey). Judith is a former dancer who's old now.  One day she has a stroke and her family decide to shuttle her away to a really, really nice home. 

I mean, admittedly, it's like a damned mansion. It's pretty swank.

Annnyway, Judith makes friends quickly with three other old folks who seem to have the whole situation licked. They play Bridge, they drink, they smoke weed and hey, besides the fact that they live in an old folks home, they seem to have it made in the shade.

And at first, it's just little abusivey things that are kind of a concern. Like the fact that she can't keep a cell phone or the suggestive way the nurses tell her to take her meds or else. In any event, Judith begins to feel like she's in a prison. But then she starts seeing shit. 

Basically, she sees a tree monster lurking over her roommates bed...then over her bed...then her roommate dies and of course Judith tries to tell people, but you see, she's old and in a home so everyone thinks she's suffering from Dementia and...

Yeah, we basically get treated to the "Let's gaslight the protag" plotline as everyone teams up to make Judith believe that she is actually losing her mind.

Everyone except her grandson, Josh(Alexander),  who basically hangs with her the most and eventually finds out that something really strange is, indeed, going on at this home.

Once he gets with the program, the two of them discover that her three friends are really witches who happen to be using the dying residents of the home to fuel their immortality.

Yeah, kind of like that, except instead of summoning an annoying rabbit in white gloves, they summon a tree monster to murder the residents.

Well, since Judith and her grandson decide there shall be none of that, they run up on the witches during a ceremony and after taking out the main one, the remaining two offer up a choice to Judith and Josh, sure they can destroy what they've got going or join them and never have to worry again about Judith getting sick and dying.

I'm saying, it's admittedly an interesting choice.  It's real easy to say "Who wants to live forever?" if that means you'll be a thousand and can't walk or chew solid foods. But what if you were guaranteed never to get even remotely sick again? What if you could stay at "Totally can fall" for all eternity?

It's definitely appealing and Judith and Josh think so too, so, yes, they choose to join the coven.  I don't condone the murder of old people to fuel my youthful state, but given that my knees have been on fire from sitting down too long while writing this post, I definitely understand it.

This one gets a jewel. Easy.

It's a near perfect film if I'm being honest. Engaging, a good amount of creepy mixed with disturbing imagery.  I do highly recommend.

Next week! We Need to Do Something mostly because the cover looks pretty cool.  See you next time!



Sunday, January 2, 2022

Stockholm Vampire Syndrome


Hey, hey, Horror Nuts!  Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

First thing's first...

So...I'm about to hurt some feelings in this post.

Let me just begin by stating that I love vampire movies.  Like, of all the horror genres out there, vampire movies are among my most favorites the core of my cold black heart, I'm a hopeless romantic.

I mean, don't get me wrong. Scary, scary vampires are cool too, but there's something about the romantic vampire that I just have a soft spot for. That being said, lately, there have been a few vampire books/movies out there that have kind of missed the entire point of vampire romances. Not that I'm naming names...

...see, because here's the thing about the romantic vampire story. Vampire stories are sexy because there is always an element of real danger involved. This powerful being must restrain him or herself to keep from murdering their loved one...which, yeah, that's kinda hot.

What's not hot is when the monster has real world monster like tendencies.  You staring eerily from across a room like a creeper...

Or imprinting on newborns in an...inappropriate way...


All right, that last one isn't a real pedo/creeper/serial killer thing. I just don't think monsters should glittery.

All I'm saying is that yes, you should feel like you would definitely lose your soul if you decide to kick it with a vampire. However, there is a line. I'm saying, you shouldn't really feel like you're in danger of becoming a skin dress.

That's just too much reality in my reality.

Case in point: This week's movie!

Night Teeth starring 
Jorge Lendeborg Jr., Debby Ryan, Lucy Fry, Raul Castillo, Alfie Allen, Marlene Forte, and Megan Fox for some reason.


I don't know, man. She's only in one scene and she's dead the next second. I feel like the filmmakers were just like, "You know who would look hot as a vampire??" and that's as far as the thought process got.

Anyway, this is Benny(Lendeborg Jr). Benny is broke and in college and wants to be a DJ. One day his brother Jay (Castillo) can't make his job because he's got super secret vampire hunting stuff to do, so he asks Benny to take over for him.

Benny soon discovers that his passengers are vampires out for a night of taking over the vampire world. 

See, Zoe (Fry) and Blaire (Ryan) are in cahoots with local indestructible vampire Victor (Allen) to murder all the other head vampires and rule the vampire world. So far, the movie has a promising start.

Here's where the movie goes wrong.

Benny has a thing for Blaire in a way that doesn't make sense.  He meets her, thinks she hot, finds out she's a vampire and is terrified and trying to get away before they kill him too, then he's back to thinking she's hot again and decides to joining their crusade and...ugh.

Like, basically he goes from:


And then:


Until finally:

Leaving me with a bad case of whiplash.  And real talk, I'm all about the whole falling in love with the vampire and joining their cause, but the way this happens, it just doesn't make sense. He's terrified for most of his time with the vampires - so much so that he doesn't actually get to know Blaire past the fact that she's pretty. But then, I'm supposed to buy that he's so into her to suddenly start fighting with them against the worst guys?


(Can't call them bad guys by the way. There are no winners in this story.)

I'm not sure what they were going for here. It really did come off very Stockholm Syndrome-y, but in a much worse way than Beauty and the Beast because at LEAST we can see how Belle got to know the Beast as more than just a beast. Benny just kind of goes from horny to scared to horny enough to fight vampires with nothing in between.

It makes me sad. This could have been a good movie. Benny just comes off as a dumb kid who lets his weiner write a check his ass couldn't cash. 

Yeah. Yeah, raspberry for this one:

Dear Filmmakers. Learn how to write a basic linear plot line so we're not all confused when people suddenly fall in love for no reason.

Anyway, next week's movie! The Manor!  Is this a haunted house movie?  Here's hoping so!

See you next week!

-- O~