Sunday, October 31, 2021

Get in Loser, We're Going Stabbing


Hey, hey, Horror Nuts!  Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

Happy Halloween Y'all!

Now, as you might have guessed. This is my favorite time of year. Especially for watching scary movies! Not that I wouldn't be watching them anyway, I mean...

But I figured that the perfect movie to watch for the Halloween season would be, well, Halloween. And since, to date, I have seen every single one in the series (even the third one)...

Why not round out the whole thing with the latest movie? Sounds like fun, right?

This week's movie:

Halloween Kills starring Jamie Lee Curtis, Judy Greer, Andi Matichak, James Jude Courtney, Nick Castle, Airon Armstrong, Will Patton, Robert Longstreet, Anthony Michael Hall, Michael McDonald, Scott MacArthur, Kyle Richards, and Nancy Stephens. may have noticed something about the cast list... IS a lot...and that's just the cast. I mean, there is a LOT going on in this movie. A whole lot. Since this is a slasher movie, however (kind of a slasher movie anyway), let's do another round of 
BloodBoobsBody Count, and Bad Acting.

But before I do...a few notes and a small synopsis:

So, Halloween Kills takes place after that last Halloween reboot. You know with crazy Laurie Strode who is not actually related to Michael Myers and we have no idea why he's all stabby? That one? Yeah, that one.

So, when last we left you, Laurie Strode (Curtis, obviously) set Michael Myers ablaze with the help of her daughter, granddaughter, and her big, fancy trap house.

Incidentally, I don't have any real quarrel with the newish direction of this series. We're pretending movies 2-8 didn't happen. Fine, fine. I'm game.

So, here we are at the sequel to this timeline and the fire department comes to put out the fire that Laurie set and stabbings ensue.

Which leads me to the first thing:

Blood: A

There is a good number of stabby times happening in this movie...albeit with giant spaces in between.

So, as much as I love plot in a horror movie, there is such a thing as way too much damned plot. Apparently, some survivors from the 1978 attacks are still around and, one of them, in particular, is looking for smoke.

Tommy Doyle(Hall), one of the kids Laurie Strode was babysitting back in the day, wants all the smoke with Michael Myers. So much so that he organizes a lynch mob to find and kill him like a dog in the street. It was a valiant effort, but in the end, all they manage to do, really, is cause a panic and kill an innocent escaped mental patient.

Moving on...

Boobs: F+

Honestly, I think they just didn't have time to focus on any titties with all the plot cramming involved in this movie. 

Body Count: A+++

So, after some research, I got a few different numbers, but most of them are around 27 kills...which, like everything else in this movie, is a lot. But that's the highlight. Between the long stretches of nonsense plot, the kills are top tier.

Bad Acting: C

I mean, the acting wasn't bad, per see. There are a lot of decent actors doing their thing in this movie, but there was a whole lot of scenery-chewing as well.

It wasn't that bad, but, you get the picture. 

All in all, somewhere buried under the message of "staring into the abyss" is a decent slasher flick.  This movie runs an hour and 46 minutes, but it feels like a solid two hours. Sadly, if they cut that time in half, I wouldn't have to do this...but here we are.

It hurts to do that...being one of my favorite series and all. 

Anyway, next week!  Finally got Don't Breathe 2 in my hot little hands!  Can't wait! 

See you next week!


Sunday, October 24, 2021

I Really Am Too Old for This Shit


Hey, hey, Horror Nuts!  Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

This week, I got treated to a slasher movie!  During Halloween season, even!  It's a really wonderful thing because as you probably already know, I loves me a good slasher movie.

Lately, though, a lot of the newer slasher movies have left me feeling like...well...

I mean, I never wanted to be like, "In my day, we used to watch our slasher movies uphill both ways", but here we are. There was something very...young about this movie and at the time, I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it is.

And then, I was milling through the library last week and found this:

And I was so pissed. 

NOT because it's a book too, but because I didn't KNOW it was a book and I have a strict "we read the book first" policy. And now, I can't read it. 

What does that have to do with me being old? Well, I'll get to that in a bit. In the meantime, I'll get over it...but I won't like it.  Anyway, this week's movie:

There's Someone Inside Your House starring Sydney Park, Theodore Pellerin, Ashja Cooper, Dale Whibley, Jesse LaTourette, Diego Josef, Burkley Duffield, BJ Harrison, and Zane Clifford.

Okay, so this story is about...well, it's a high school slasher film. Pretty basic setup. Like, the opening scene is basically the opening scene to Scream except instead of Drew Barrymore being hacked to death in suburbia, it's a Dudebro being hacked to death in a farmhouse. 

So, with the star quarterback dead, our ragtag group of friends find themselves in the middle of a bonafide game of who's the killer?  

I have to say, I thought the killer design was pretty interesting. See, THIS killer wears a 3D printed mask of his victims and he knows everyone's secrets and exposes them when he kills them. 

Okay, so, when it comes to slasher films, I like to do a little grading system in lieu of a synopsis that I call Blood, Boobs, Body Count, and Bad Acting. How does this one hold up?  Let's see.

Blood: A

There was a nice amount of blood in this one and some decent kills reminiscent of old school Friday the 13th kind of kills. Knives through whole skulls, backs, mouths, neck slices...very, very gruesome. No decapitation, though. Meh, maybe in the sequel.

Boobs: F

Nope. Very little cleavage, no town slut, no onscreen sex. Not even a sideboob here. Sorry, folks.

But that's okay in this case because it felt logical for the movie's pace and the characters in the movie and not purposely forced like some more recent slasher movies lately.  
Honestly, I'm neither for or against boobs in slasher movies, just...if you're going to take them out of the movie, make it make sense, please?  This one does that. Take note, filmmakers.

Body Count: B

A good number of the characters die...but not enough to get a higher grade. Five people is too low a number for a slasher flick in my honest opinion.

Bad Acting: F

Big F. The cast, ALL the cast, killed it. I'm not saying this was an oscar-winning performance or anything, but these actors have some real skills. I was impressed!

So, the big question. Did I like this one?

I mean...I appreciated it. It felt like a real slasher movie in almost every sense and if I was fourteen, this would be my jam.

But as I said earlier, there was something in it that felt younger than me. Maybe because the novel it's based on is a Young Adult novel? While I don't have anything against YA novels at all, they are designed for humans of a particular age plot-wise.

That being said, I can confidently say this movie does not deserve a raspberry...but it's not quite a full-on jewel, so...

Okay, so next week!  I've been trying to get to Halloween Kills, so let's make that happen, huh?  See you next week!


Sunday, October 17, 2021

Billie Eilish, but Waaaay Hairier


Hey, hey, Horror Nuts!  Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

Ever wonder how Teen Wolf might've played out of Scott Howard had been an angsty Billie Eilish/Lorde-esque pop star instead of an average teenager in 1980s suburbia?

Neither have I, but here we are anyway.

Yeah, yeah, I know I said I was going to review a vampire movie and, to be honest, that's what I thought this next movie was going to be. That's what I get for not vetting movies before I watch them, I guess.

So, here's the thing.  I like a good werewolf movie as much as the next girl. The problem by and large, however, is that there just aren't enough good ones out there. Like, I could sit here and rattle off at least five halfway decent vampire movies. Meanwhile, werewolf movies be like:

I mean, I don't know who's in charge of the werewolf movie-making department of the imaginary horror production company in my brain, but ya'll need to step your game up. 

Which leads me to this week's movie:

Bloodthirsty starring Lauren Beatty, Greg Bryk, Katherine King So, Judith Buchan, and Michael Ironside.

Yes, yes, THAT Michael Ironside. He plays Dr. Swann, the dude managing the treatment of Grey(Beatty) with her "hallucinations". He's only in it for a minute though. Try not to blink or you will miss him.

So, Grey has hallucinations and nightmares that she's eating bunnies in the forest. Apparently, that has been messing with her music career so her manager tells her that the uber infamous, super reclusive music producer, Vaughn Daniels(Bryk) wants to work with her, well, of course, she jumps at the chance.

Never mind the fact that he's nuttier than squirrel shit and most definitely murdered his wife. I mean, you know, they say he was acquitted, but "they" say stuff like that all the time.

Anyway, Grey and her girlfriend Charlie (So) are hanging with Kroger Brand Matthew McConaughey at his secluded compound because that sounds really safe when you say it out loud...

And Kroger Brand McConaughey is trying to influence Grey to dig deeper within herself to produce better music...or is he?


Of course, he's not trying to do that.  Spoiler alert, he's trying to get her to discover her inner wolf, you know, cuz he's a wolf.

I know, I know. I'm sucking all the fun out of discovering the plot. Believe me, that's not going to be the most shocking thing about this story. It takes you through the tale the long way, though. This story draaaagggsss like a wounded horse through fields of dark camera work and emo Lana Del Rey vocal riffs. I challenge you to stay awake long enough to find out the big twist at the end.

But, you know, once you get there, it's Gucci, as the kids say. 

The big twist, if you're interested, is simply this: Bargain Basement McConaughey reveals to Grey that a) She is a werewolf. Then he locks her up so she can change into a werewolf

...which, by the way, is weird because apparently, she just...leaves the place where she was locked up and goes out and kills her girlfriend?

But, anyway, after Grey realizes she's killed her girlfriend, Dirtier McConaughey also tells Grey that he did, in fact, murder his wife BECAUSE she found out that he's a bonafide werewolf and that is traditionally bad for a marriage.

Just when you think, Wow, that's a lot to unpack, Musty-Face McConaughey THEN tells Grey that she's his long-lost daughter and he was just trying to get her to let her inner wolf out.

Anyway, Broke-Conaughey tells her that she needs to stay. Grey's all, Nah, I don't think so. He turns into a wolf, she shoots him and goes back to her old life, only now, she has a nifty new album to show the world.

And that's it.  That's the movie.

Now comes the question, did I like it? I mean...well...No. Not really. I gotta give it a raspberry.

Look, I tried to like this movie. It was fairly visually striking, the few special effects that were involved were decent, and I loved the strong female lead. It just read more like a drama with a little latex and fake blood sprinkled in.  And I do mean sprinkled

The music was fly though. 

Anyway, next week! I'll be watching There's Someone Inside Your House. I know nothing about it! I hope it's good?

See you next week!

-- O~