Billie Eilish, but Waaaay Hairier

 

Hey, hey, Horror Nuts!  Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

Ever wonder how Teen Wolf might've played out of Scott Howard had been an angsty Billie Eilish/Lorde-esque pop star instead of an average teenager in 1980s suburbia?

Neither have I, but here we are anyway.

Yeah, yeah, I know I said I was going to review a vampire movie and, to be honest, that's what I thought this next movie was going to be. That's what I get for not vetting movies before I watch them, I guess.

So, here's the thing.  I like a good werewolf movie as much as the next girl. The problem by and large, however, is that there just aren't enough good ones out there. Like, I could sit here and rattle off at least five halfway decent vampire movies. Meanwhile, werewolf movies be like:
 

I mean, I don't know who's in charge of the werewolf movie-making department of the imaginary horror production company in my brain, but ya'll need to step your game up. 

Which leads me to this week's movie:

Bloodthirsty starring Lauren Beatty, Greg Bryk, Katherine King So, Judith Buchan, and Michael Ironside.

Yes, yes, THAT Michael Ironside. He plays Dr. Swann, the dude managing the treatment of Grey(Beatty) with her "hallucinations". He's only in it for a minute though. Try not to blink or you will miss him.

So, Grey has hallucinations and nightmares that she's eating bunnies in the forest. Apparently, that has been messing with her music career so her manager tells her that the uber infamous, super reclusive music producer, Vaughn Daniels(Bryk) wants to work with her, well, of course, she jumps at the chance.

Never mind the fact that he's nuttier than squirrel shit and most definitely murdered his wife. I mean, you know, they say he was acquitted, but "they" say stuff like that all the time.

Anyway, Grey and her girlfriend Charlie (So) are hanging with Kroger Brand Matthew McConaughey at his secluded compound because that sounds really safe when you say it out loud...

And Kroger Brand McConaughey is trying to influence Grey to dig deeper within herself to produce better music...or is he?

 

Of course, he's not trying to do that.  Spoiler alert, he's trying to get her to discover her inner wolf, you know, cuz he's a wolf.

I know, I know. I'm sucking all the fun out of discovering the plot. Believe me, that's not going to be the most shocking thing about this story. It takes you through the tale the long way, though. This story draaaagggsss like a wounded horse through fields of dark camera work and emo Lana Del Rey vocal riffs. I challenge you to stay awake long enough to find out the big twist at the end.

But, you know, once you get there, it's Gucci, as the kids say. 

The big twist, if you're interested, is simply this: Bargain Basement McConaughey reveals to Grey that a) She is a werewolf. Then he locks her up so she can change into a werewolf

...which, by the way, is weird because apparently, she just...leaves the place where she was locked up and goes out and kills her girlfriend?

But, anyway, after Grey realizes she's killed her girlfriend, Dirtier McConaughey also tells Grey that he did, in fact, murder his wife BECAUSE she found out that he's a bonafide werewolf and that is traditionally bad for a marriage.

Just when you think, Wow, that's a lot to unpack, Musty-Face McConaughey THEN tells Grey that she's his long-lost daughter and he was just trying to get her to let her inner wolf out.

Anyway, Broke-Conaughey tells her that she needs to stay. Grey's all, Nah, I don't think so. He turns into a wolf, she shoots him and goes back to her old life, only now, she has a nifty new album to show the world.

 

And that's it.  That's the movie.

Now comes the question, did I like it? I mean...well...No. Not really. I gotta give it a raspberry.

Look, I tried to like this movie. It was fairly visually striking, the few special effects that were involved were decent, and I loved the strong female lead. It just read more like a drama with a little latex and fake blood sprinkled in.  And I do mean sprinkled. 

The music was fly though. 

Anyway, next week! I'll be watching There's Someone Inside Your House. I know nothing about it! I hope it's good?

See you next week!

-- O~
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