Sunday, January 23, 2022

Eating Your Candy with The Pork and Beans

 





Hey, hey, Horror Nuts!  Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!


So, when you get to be around my age, (assuming you've got family who still talk to you on the regular) you start to think about the fast approaching final chapter of your meager existance.


One of the things that may come up in conversation is what happens on the day that you 'can't fall'. What I mean is that there are three stages of life in my opinion: 



1. Totally can fall: Birth to about 39.  Basically you can take a fall on cement with a little more than some bruises and some damage to your pride.




2. Probably shouldn't fall: 40-50 You'll more than likely survive taking a tumble in a parking lot, but not without some injury (ranging from week long soreness to straight up breakage).



3. Can't under any circumstances fall: 51-death Walk very, very carefully because one trip and you'll be in the hospital with a broken hip for months.

I'd say that everything is all good in your life until you hit number three, at which point, if you have not discussed your future well being with your family, you probably should have a sit down with them.

When that happens and the question of a home comes up, might I suggest to just bite the bullet and take care of your gramma? Allow me to plead my case:

This week's movie!



The Manor starring Barbara Hershey, Bruce Davidson, Nicholas Alexander, Jill Larson, Fran Bennett, Katie Amanda Keane, Ciera Payton, Nancy Linehan Charles, Shelley Robertson, Stacey Travis, Devin Kawoaka, and Cissy Wellman.


So, this is Judith (Hershey). Judith is a former dancer who's old now.  One day she has a stroke and her family decide to shuttle her away to a really, really nice home. 

I mean, admittedly, it's like a damned mansion. It's pretty swank.




Annnyway, Judith makes friends quickly with three other old folks who seem to have the whole situation licked. They play Bridge, they drink, they smoke weed and hey, besides the fact that they live in an old folks home, they seem to have it made in the shade.


And at first, it's just little abusivey things that are kind of a concern. Like the fact that she can't keep a cell phone or the suggestive way the nurses tell her to take her meds or else. In any event, Judith begins to feel like she's in a prison. But then she starts seeing shit. 


Basically, she sees a tree monster lurking over her roommates bed...then over her bed...then her roommate dies and of course Judith tries to tell people, but you see, she's old and in a home so everyone thinks she's suffering from Dementia and...


Yeah, we basically get treated to the "Let's gaslight the protag" plotline as everyone teams up to make Judith believe that she is actually losing her mind.


Everyone except her grandson, Josh(Alexander),  who basically hangs with her the most and eventually finds out that something really strange is, indeed, going on at this home.


Once he gets with the program, the two of them discover that her three friends are really witches who happen to be using the dying residents of the home to fuel their immortality.


Yeah, kind of like that, except instead of summoning an annoying rabbit in white gloves, they summon a tree monster to murder the residents.

Well, since Judith and her grandson decide there shall be none of that, they run up on the witches during a ceremony and after taking out the main one, the remaining two offer up a choice to Judith and Josh, sure they can destroy what they've got going or join them and never have to worry again about Judith getting sick and dying.


I'm saying, it's admittedly an interesting choice.  It's real easy to say "Who wants to live forever?" if that means you'll be a thousand and can't walk or chew solid foods. But what if you were guaranteed never to get even remotely sick again? What if you could stay at "Totally can fall" for all eternity?


It's definitely appealing and Judith and Josh think so too, so, yes, they choose to join the coven.  I don't condone the murder of old people to fuel my youthful state, but given that my knees have been on fire from sitting down too long while writing this post, I definitely understand it.


This one gets a jewel. Easy.


It's a near perfect film if I'm being honest. Engaging, a good amount of creepy mixed with disturbing imagery.  I do highly recommend.

Next week! We Need to Do Something mostly because the cover looks pretty cool.  See you next time!

O~
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