Sunday, February 16, 2020

Did you say EDWARD CAMPER?

Hidey-Ho Horror Nuts! Welcome to another Will Twerk for Horror Movies!

So, you know how when you were a kid, you used to look up new and interesting things about serial killers and collect serial killer trading cards and spout out fun facts about the Aileen Wournos at Thanksgiving dinner?

No? Just me? Okay.

Well, if you knew anything about serial killers or true crime in general, then you might know a little something about Edmund Kemper.

Edmund Kemper was known as the “Co-ed Killer” back in the 70s because the majority of his victims were, well, co-eds. Hitchhiking ones. After killing a nice number of young women, he was eventually caught and is currently chilling happily in a penitentiary in California. No, seriously, look him up on Wikipedia. He reportedly passed on parole a bunch of times because he likes it there.

I know, right? Aaaanyway, like most serial killers, every now and then some filmmaker comes along and decides that they need to be the one to make a movie about them.

But what do you do if you are a filmmaker who wants to make a movie based on a serial killer, but hate that whole pesky task of researching?

This week’s movie!

Kemper starring Christopher Stapleton, Robert Sisko, Sean Thomas, Patricia Place, Andy E. Horne, Ken Weiss, and a bunch of “co-eds” that get murdered along the way.

So, let’s pretend that Edmund Kemper had a bestie who was working on the police force. And let’s pretend that he was using his high IQ to help his friend solve murder cases. And let’s also pretend that while he's doing that, he's also going around killing hitchhikers in 2008.

That’s basically this movie.

Here is usually where the synopsis goes, but as per every time when I'm just all the way over a movie, I'm bypassing the tedious task of laying out the events of a terribly predictable movie. Instead, let's look at what went wrong with Kemper.

1) Kemper is Wrestler Size.

The two notable facts about Ed Kemper was that he had a high intellect (his IQ was reportedly 145) and the fact that he is a monstrously large guy. Guys, he's 6'9. Do you know how tall 6'9 is?

Okay, so that's 7'0.

This is 6'10.

And we're supposed to believe that THIS guy is 6'9. Riiiight.

2) He liked to violate his victims

An addendum to that statement; In the very least, he violated his victims. He also dismembered and decapitated his victims. Most of the victims in this movie were all in one piece for the most part. Detective Harris would find a whole body in the woods and scratch his head as to who was killing them.

And meanwhile, his best buddy is stabbing his next victim in the car.

3) Kemper was not hunted down by the police, (not really)

Despite the fantastic idea that he and his bestie played cat-and-mouse like Morgan Freeman and Kevin Spacey in Seven was just that. A fantasy.  Kemper did the least confrontational thing and turned himself in. I know, I know. Not as dramatic, but then, this movie wasn't all that dramatic anyway.

4) Why are there cell phones in this movie?

Kemper murdered women between '72 and '73. Why is this movie taking place in 2008?  There's no reason for it to take place in 2008. Would it be too much effort to just make it in the 70s? I mean, how expensive is it to make it look like the 70s?  It can't be that much. Wasn't House of 1000 Corpses low budget? Didn't that take place in the 70s?

5) It's GAY-dar. Not guhdar.

One of Kemper's victims asks him if he's gay (you know before he murders her). He doesn't say either way, but she responds with something to the effect of "I have awesome guhdar." Besides the fact that no one was saying gaydar in the 70s, NO ONE HAS EVER SAID GUHDAR IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

6) His name was Edmund, not Edward.

They state his name as Edward in his hospital files. Edward. All I can think is, "no one even googled the real killer?" It's the first thing on the first page.  It would have taken a script supervisor all of ten seconds to type in Kemper to find out his actual name.

There was a lot more wrong with this movie. I mean, I'm pretty sure I saw a boom mike floating around in the background of a few scenes, even.

Yeah, so...

Let's just be happy I don't have to watch it again.

Next week's movie, The Banana Splits Movie. There are muppets, ya'll.  MUPPETS!

See you next week!