Sunday, May 1, 2022

Texas Pornstar Massacre


Hey, hey, Horror Nuts! Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

Okay, stop me if you've heard this one.

A bunch of porn stars go to a farm. How many will it take to screw in a lightbulb before the horny old people murder them all?

Confused? Well...yeah. But that's fine. Not every joke needs to be fully explained and apparently the same is true for movies! Case in point:

X starring Mia Goth, Jenny Ortega, Kid Cudi, Martin Henderson, Stephen Ure, Brittany Snow, and Owen Campbell.

So, once upon a 1979, Producer Wayne(Henderson) finds an old farmhouse owned by an elderly couple for cheap and decides that this would be the best place to do the ultimate porn film.

Course, that all works out fine until the old couple starts murdering them because the wife has a bad case of super horny. And since that kind of makes this a slasher movie, it's time the WTFHM slasher movie rating system! Blood, Boobs, Body Count, and Bad Acting.

Blood: A

So, there are buckets of blood in this one...but it takes a minute to get there. To say this movie is a slow burn is an understatement in that it takes more than half the movie to get us to the first death. Once the ball starts rolling however, the blood is pretty much flying everywhere.

Boobs: A++

I mean, I really don't know what y'all was expecting here. All jokes aside, I'd have been disappointed if there weren't any boobs in a movie that spends more than half its time on the porn stars.

We even get some junk in the of those junks is dead, but still. 

Body Count: B

I mean, when the cast is composed of about nine people and eight of them die. I'd say that rates about average for a slasher movie. The original Texas Chainsaw Massacre only had five, so while this one was under ten, it still isn't bad.

Bad acting: F

Yeah, everybody killed it in this one. Including and especially Mia Goth. She plays Wayne's girlfriend and the coke-snorting porn star that you will be convinced is going to end up the first to die. 

Which leads me to the spoiler part of this blog (so, you might want to stop here if you don't want any spoilers. It'll be worth coming back to this part once you've seen the movie).

So, first thing's first. This one is a Ti West joint. He's the director behind such horror flicks as V/H/S and The Innkeepers (the second one I reviewed a while back). Anyways, I've seen more than a few films directed by him, and overall, I've had mixed feelings about his stuff.

I have to say, though, X is surprisingly well thought out in its execution. For one, casting Mia Goth as both Maxine the porn star and Pearl the horny/murdery old lady was a smart move. She basically plays the character's past and future and I am here for it.

Also, can we talk about the negation of the whole "Final Girl" trope by making the last survivor Maxine instead of the baby-faced Lorraine (Ortega)?  The joy in my cold black heart, y'all...

X easily gets a jewel from me.

It's a good movie. And I hear a prequel is coming, too. :)

Next week's movie!!! Think I'll check out You Won't Be Alone. Hopefully, we can keep the jewels coming!

See you next week!


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