OMG, I Am OBSESSED With Your Hair

 

Hey, hey, Horror Nuts! Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

So, as you may have guessed from the sign on the way in, I'm not going to be reviewing Dr. Strange 2 in this post.  Why, you ask? Well, for a couple of reasons. For one, I know every single one of y'all are Marvel fans. 

Don't try to deny it.  Everybody BUT me is into Marvel movies and, real talk, I'm just a small fish in a big pond. I need all the readers I can get. Picture me, spoiling a damn Marvel movie. I'll get, like, two readers this week and you know it.

Second, while Dr. Strange 2 had a lot of horror elements to it (and it was directed by one of my favorite directors of all time - Sam Raimi), I can't call it horror or even a thriller. It's a Marvel movie with all its Marvel-flavored trappings. If my blog was WTFMM, then, yeah. 

But it's not. So...

This week's movie!

The Stylist starring Najarra Townsend, Jennifer Seward, Brea Grant, Davis DeRock, Sarah McGuire, and Millie Milan.

So, this is Claire(Townsend). She's a hairstylist. She likes drinking Starbucks coffee every morning and wearing reasonably stylish clothes (albeit with a hint of Wednesday Addams) and she has a tiny chihuahua for a pet...

She also likes scalping her clients and wearing their hair in the privacy of her own candlelit cellar.

One day, while living her creepy, kookie life, one of her clients, Olivia(Grant) asks her to do her hair for her wedding. After thinking about it for half a day, Claire agrees.

So, Claire does Olivia's hair and does such a good job of it, that Olivia invites her over for wine and pizza. She even models her wedding dress for her.

Olivia even decides to invite her out to her bachelorette party and, as often happens when you're a Single White Female type murdery girl, Claire immediately thinks that they're besties and we're treated to about an hour and a half of Claire systemically losing her damn mind.

A Bachelorette Party which, by the way, goes really bad for Claire when she overhears two of Olivia's friends say what we're all thinking at about this point. "Who invited the weird hairdresser?" I mean, for all intents and purposes, Claire isn't her friend or coworker or anything, really. She's doing her hair for her wedding. It'd be like me inviting my therapist to my birthday party.

So, the day of the wedding comes and by this time, the following events have occurred:

• Claire's boarded up and unboarded up her real human hair hidey-hole
• She secretly records Olivia's conversations and listens to them on repeat
• She breaks into Olivia's house, wears her nightgown and masturbates in said nightgown
• She kills a barista while trying to take her scalp
• She kills another woman while successfully taking her scalp, and then wears it while watching cartoons in the woman's living room.

 

And finally, after having her little spiral, she shows up to the wedding to do Olivia's hair. After she's done with her hair and everyone leaves for the wedding, Claire decides there's only one way for her and Olivia to be one with one another.

Yup. She walks down the aisle in Olivia's place...wearing her scalp.

Girl, I don't even know. 

And I want to give this one some credit or at least an A for effort because the filmmaker clearly went to the Brian De Palma School for Filming Alfred Hitchcock movies, but uggghhhh...

I mean, let's overlook the very strange fact that this is a killer who's been scalping women for some time by the looks of her trophy collection and yet has no clue about how to not get caught. There are moments where I was just...annoyed by her instead of whatever other emotion the filmmaker was trying to elicit from the audience.

Fear, maybe?  I don't know. The story was kind of all over the place with no explanations or rhyme or reason. And the worst part is that by the time the ending comes, you've already guessed that's where this story was going like, 5-10 scenes back.

Trash. Hot Garbage, I tell you.

Brian De Palma would be ashamed.

Anyway, next week's movie!  Advertisements for Cellar have been popping up for me lately, so I guess I'll check that one out.  

See you next week!

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