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Hey, hey, Horror Nuts! Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!
Have you ever actually read a real fairy tale, yo?
Like, I know we all grew up on Disney's version of everything and as adults, I think I can be fairly sure that if you're reading this, you're probably aware that actual fairy tales were pretty gruesome.
As if the idea of a witch eating a couple of fat children wasn't terrifying enough. I'm not sure what possessed ancient parents to sit around a campfire and tell gory stories to children, honestly. How much did children misbehave in ancient times that we didn't even think of just putting them in time-out until the 20th century?
Anyway. This week's movie!
You Won't Be Alone starring Noomi Rapace, Alice Englert, Annamaria Marinca, Sara Klimoska, Carlotto Cotta, and Felix Maritaud.
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Okay, so once upon a time in Macedonia, a young mother is visited by a witch that goes by the name Old Maid Maria(Marinca). The mother begs the witch to spare her child's life and in exchange, when the child turns sixteen, the witch can come and take her.
The witch says, "Bet, but I'm taking her voice because she needs to be marked so that you don't break your word."
The mom hides her in a cave in the hopes that she can keep her baby away from Maria. Unfortunately, one day Maria comes, kills the mother, and takes the, now teenage, girl(Klimoska) away.
Okay, so, Maria makes the girl a witch as well and the two are traveling together. The girl, as it turns out, is not so cool with how Maria is living, so Maria tells her to kick rocks if she doesn't like it.
She does and comes upon a woman giving birth in a field. Fascinated by the whole thing, she goes into the village and checks out the baby. The baby's mom catches her and gets herself expired in the struggle.
At this point, she gets the brilliant idea to pose as the baby's mom and live as her, which she does pretty successfully until her "husband" tries to have sex with her. She kills him, then decides to be a dog.
And she's a dog until she sees a dude having horny times with his friends and decides she wants to be him. And she's him until she sees the body of a young girl and decides to be the young girl, where she stays for a while.
Yeah, yeah. Stay with me, though.
She lives as the girl until the girl is an adult. She, then, falls in love, gets married, has a kid, and, generally, has a pretty sweet life for a woman living in old-timey Macedonia.
That is until Old Maid Maria steps in.
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See, Old Maid Maria has been keeping tabs on her all this time. And upon seeing the girl actually figure out happiness, she decides to take a big dump on everything the girl has built.
First, she disguises herself as a boar and kills her husband. Then, after her baby is born, she shows up to her house and goes, "You really thought you had this whole thing worked out, huh?" and promptly slits her baby's throat.
But wait, you forget, Old Maid Maria taught the girl witch stuff and the girl promptly uses that knowledge to bring her daughter back by making her a witch. Old Maid Maria is astonished by her display of sacrifice and the girl rips out Old Maid Maria's guts, killing her.
Yup. That's it. That's the story, younglings. I don't know what you learned from it, but I learned that people suck and when people suck, they sometimes make sucky monsters that might, one day, make you a monster, too. But that's okay because even if you're a monster, you can find happiness.
Surprisingly, I am giving this one a jewel...
...but not because this was a good horror movie. It was just a good movie. On my horror scale, even with the gore, it's a pretty solid tier one. It appealed to my sense of storytelling, however, so, yeah. A jewel it gets.
Don't tell your kids this story, though. I think that constitutes abuse these days.
Anyway, next week's movie! I've been told that the new Doctor Strange movie is supposed to be a horror movie, so maybe I'll review that if it's true. If not, I'll just pick something from Shudder.
See you next week!
O~
*
.gif)
Like, I know we all grew up on Disney's version of everything and as adults, I think I can be fairly sure that if you're reading this, you're probably aware that actual fairy tales were pretty gruesome.
As if the idea of a witch eating a couple of fat children wasn't terrifying enough. I'm not sure what possessed ancient parents to sit around a campfire and tell gory stories to children, honestly. How much did children misbehave in ancient times that we didn't even think of just putting them in time-out until the 20th century?
Anyway. This week's movie!
You Won't Be Alone starring Noomi Rapace, Alice Englert, Annamaria Marinca, Sara Klimoska, Carlotto Cotta, and Felix Maritaud.
.jpg)
Okay, so once upon a time in Macedonia, a young mother is visited by a witch that goes by the name Old Maid Maria(Marinca). The mother begs the witch to spare her child's life and in exchange, when the child turns sixteen, the witch can come and take her.
The witch says, "Bet, but I'm taking her voice because she needs to be marked so that you don't break your word."
The mom hides her in a cave in the hopes that she can keep her baby away from Maria. Unfortunately, one day Maria comes, kills the mother, and takes the, now teenage, girl(Klimoska) away.
Okay, so, Maria makes the girl a witch as well and the two are traveling together. The girl, as it turns out, is not so cool with how Maria is living, so Maria tells her to kick rocks if she doesn't like it.
She does and comes upon a woman giving birth in a field. Fascinated by the whole thing, she goes into the village and checks out the baby. The baby's mom catches her and gets herself expired in the struggle.
At this point, she gets the brilliant idea to pose as the baby's mom and live as her, which she does pretty successfully until her "husband" tries to have sex with her. She kills him, then decides to be a dog.
And she's a dog until she sees a dude having horny times with his friends and decides she wants to be him. And she's him until she sees the body of a young girl and decides to be the young girl, where she stays for a while.
Yeah, yeah. Stay with me, though.
She lives as the girl until the girl is an adult. She, then, falls in love, gets married, has a kid, and, generally, has a pretty sweet life for a woman living in old-timey Macedonia.
That is until Old Maid Maria steps in.
See, Old Maid Maria has been keeping tabs on her all this time. And upon seeing the girl actually figure out happiness, she decides to take a big dump on everything the girl has built.
.gif)
See, Old Maid Maria has been keeping tabs on her all this time. And upon seeing the girl actually figure out happiness, she decides to take a big dump on everything the girl has built.
First, she disguises herself as a boar and kills her husband. Then, after her baby is born, she shows up to her house and goes, "You really thought you had this whole thing worked out, huh?" and promptly slits her baby's throat.
But wait, you forget, Old Maid Maria taught the girl witch stuff and the girl promptly uses that knowledge to bring her daughter back by making her a witch. Old Maid Maria is astonished by her display of sacrifice and the girl rips out Old Maid Maria's guts, killing her.
Yup. That's it. That's the story, younglings. I don't know what you learned from it, but I learned that people suck and when people suck, they sometimes make sucky monsters that might, one day, make you a monster, too. But that's okay because even if you're a monster, you can find happiness.
Surprisingly, I am giving this one a jewel...
...but not because this was a good horror movie. It was just a good movie. On my horror scale, even with the gore, it's a pretty solid tier one. It appealed to my sense of storytelling, however, so, yeah. A jewel it gets.
Don't tell your kids this story, though. I think that constitutes abuse these days.
Anyway, next week's movie! I've been told that the new Doctor Strange movie is supposed to be a horror movie, so maybe I'll review that if it's true. If not, I'll just pick something from Shudder.
See you next week!
O~
*
See you next week!
O~
*
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