Ahoy-hoy horror lovers. Welcome back to another WTFHM!
So, yeah, I missed a week. Again. I was sick.
But! I’m back this week! I was going to do a double feature, but I wanted to spend time discussing this week’s movie instead, cuz, it’s worth talking about.
Yay! So, let’s get down to business:
Ghost Stories starring Andy Nyman, Martin Freeman, Paul Whitehouse, Alex Lawther, Nicholas Burns, and Paul Warren.
So, the story starts with a flashback of a Jewish family at a Barmitzvah. Flash forward to a young woman with the boy from the Barmitzvah and her boyfriend, who’s Asian. Flash forward-forward to the girl’s parents freaking out, presumably, because she’s dating an Asian kid.
This little vignette is pretty much the whole set up for the protagonist’s, Professor Goodman’s(Nyman) sole purpose in life, which is to not let superstition ruin people’s lives because that’s what happened to his sister. Goodman has made an entire career on this concept as a paranormal skeptic.
Goodman gets contacted by the OG of paranormal skeptics, Charles Cameron, who’s now old and on his deathbed. He presents Goodman with three cases that he was unable to find proper explanations for. Goodman, eager to please the OG of paranormal skeptics, happily takes on the cases.
Okay, so first story:
The Case of the Mildly Racist Night Watchman
Goodman meets with Tony Matthews (Whitehouse), who used to work as a night watchman (before the ‘foreigners’ took his job, you see). He tells Goodman that his wife died of cancer and his daughter...well, he doesn’t want to talk about that.
So, he tells the story of when he was working one night with one of the new guys (A guy we never see with a bad Russian accent). He starts getting weird messages through the radio and his walky-talky. Thinking that someone is playing a trick on him, he decides to check out the old warehouse/mental hospital he’s guarding.
After a few creepy moments in some dark hallways, he manages to track the noises to one room full of old mannequins. He is lured in by what looks like someone covered in a sheet. When he finds it’s just another mannequin, the door slams behind him and he’s trapped in the room with a creepy ghost girl in pigtails.
The creepy girl goes walks up to him and puts her nasty, creepy, undead finger into his mouth.
Yup.
Next story:
*Screams in Teenager*
So, the next story is about Simon Rifkind(Lawther) a teenager who lives with his parents. When Goodman goes to talk to him in his weird house where there are pictures on the wall from Goodman’s childhood (spoiler alert) and mysterious people running around in the bedrooms upstairs. Simon’s spastically tells him that he wasn’t always a spaz. His tells Goodman that his parents hate him and he hates his brother.
Oh, there’s a great moment where they play a rousing game of what-happened-to-your-hump-what-hump when Goodman brings up someone in the upstairs room.
Goodman: “And who’s in the room upstairs?”
Simon: “What room?”
Goodman: “The...room upstairs....”
Simon: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. What’s a room?”
Goodman:
Simon:
Goodman: Oooh-kay.
So, Simon tells him that one night he was driving his parent’s car home from a party. He’s driving through the woods with his parents calling and yelling at him every few minutes. While arguing on the phone with his father, he accidentally hits somebody.
Freaked, he gets out of the car to find a very dead demon behind his car. He does what anyone else would do in that situation. Gets back in the car and drives away.
So, the next story is about Simon Rifkind(Lawther) a teenager who lives with his parents. When Goodman goes to talk to him in his weird house where there are pictures on the wall from Goodman’s childhood (spoiler alert) and mysterious people running around in the bedrooms upstairs. Simon’s spastically tells him that he wasn’t always a spaz. His tells Goodman that his parents hate him and he hates his brother.
Oh, there’s a great moment where they play a rousing game of what-happened-to-your-hump-what-hump when Goodman brings up someone in the upstairs room.
Goodman: “And who’s in the room upstairs?”
Simon: “What room?”
Goodman: “The...room upstairs....”
Simon: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. What’s a room?”
Goodman:
Simon:
Goodman: Oooh-kay.
So, Simon tells him that one night he was driving his parent’s car home from a party. He’s driving through the woods with his parents calling and yelling at him every few minutes. While arguing on the phone with his father, he accidentally hits somebody.
Freaked, he gets out of the car to find a very dead demon behind his car. He does what anyone else would do in that situation. Gets back in the car and drives away.
Right, so he drives until his car suddenly breaks down. He calls the National Breakdown Line--
By the way, if there is anyone reading this from the U.K., is there really a National Breakdown Line? Like...a phone number anyone can call? For real? I legit want to know.
Anyway, he calls the National Breakdown Line and they tell him they’ll be there in 45 mins. Great. Simon goes back to his car. He waits for a few minutes in the dark before something hits his car. Then opens the back door and sits behind him and puts its hands on his shoulders and says; Staaayyy.
He reacts accordingly:
And runs out of the car and into the woods where he is promptly attacked by a giant tree monster.
Last story:
By the way, if there is anyone reading this from the U.K., is there really a National Breakdown Line? Like...a phone number anyone can call? For real? I legit want to know.
Anyway, he calls the National Breakdown Line and they tell him they’ll be there in 45 mins. Great. Simon goes back to his car. He waits for a few minutes in the dark before something hits his car. Then opens the back door and sits behind him and puts its hands on his shoulders and says; Staaayyy.
He reacts accordingly:
And runs out of the car and into the woods where he is promptly attacked by a giant tree monster.
Last story:
Poltergeist, U.K. version
The last guy Goodman talks to is an executive, Mike Priddle(Freeman) that he meets somewhere outdoors, presumably to go hunting. Between answering business calls, he tells him the story of his wife who was also an executive and their decision to have a baby. He tells Goodman that after she got pregnant, she started having some complications and had to spend some time in the hospital.
While she was away, strange things started happening around the house. Diapers flying off tables, items stacking up miraculously, you know, garden variety poltergeist stuff.
So, later that night, he is in the nursery with the baby crib. A blanket takes the shape of a baby for a minute and it gets ice cold in the room. In the shadows, his wife appears and tells him that she and the baby are dead...and screams...scarily.
In the present, he tells him that when the hospital called, he already knew what had happened. His wife was dead and the baby was horribly deformed. After telling him the story, he promptly uses the shotgun he was hunting with to kill himself.
Traumatized, Goodman goes back to Cameron and tells him that he’s figured out his ruse. There was nothing unusual about the stories, they can all be explained rationally. He was just trying to usurp his place as the town skeptic.
Cameron tells him that he doesn’t get it. Then takes off his face.
Yes. He takes off his face. Just peels it right off. Don’t worry! There’s a face underneath.
Apparently, Cameron is really Mike Priddle. Priddle tears open the scenery to reveal a door. He tells him to follow him. He leads Goodman back in time to when he was a kid.
The last guy Goodman talks to is an executive, Mike Priddle(Freeman) that he meets somewhere outdoors, presumably to go hunting. Between answering business calls, he tells him the story of his wife who was also an executive and their decision to have a baby. He tells Goodman that after she got pregnant, she started having some complications and had to spend some time in the hospital.
While she was away, strange things started happening around the house. Diapers flying off tables, items stacking up miraculously, you know, garden variety poltergeist stuff.
So, later that night, he is in the nursery with the baby crib. A blanket takes the shape of a baby for a minute and it gets ice cold in the room. In the shadows, his wife appears and tells him that she and the baby are dead...and screams...scarily.
In the present, he tells him that when the hospital called, he already knew what had happened. His wife was dead and the baby was horribly deformed. After telling him the story, he promptly uses the shotgun he was hunting with to kill himself.
Traumatized, Goodman goes back to Cameron and tells him that he’s figured out his ruse. There was nothing unusual about the stories, they can all be explained rationally. He was just trying to usurp his place as the town skeptic.
Cameron tells him that he doesn’t get it. Then takes off his face.
Yes. He takes off his face. Just peels it right off. Don’t worry! There’s a face underneath.
Apparently, Cameron is really Mike Priddle. Priddle tears open the scenery to reveal a door. He tells him to follow him. He leads Goodman back in time to when he was a kid.
See, when Goodman was a kid, he took part in the death of one of his classmates. Two bullies made his handicapped classmate go into a tunnel where he freaked out, had an asthma attack and died. Goodman, freaked out, runs away from the scene where Mike Priddle confronts his cowardice.
Goodman, faced with the horror of what he’d done, collapses. A few moments later, he’s attacked by the rotting ghost of the handicapped boy.
The boy leads him down a white hallway leading to a bed. He puts Goodman in the bed, then crawls in with him and puts his finger in his mouth.
So, yeah, what does that mean...exactly? Well, as it turns out, Goodman is in a coma. Has been for the whole movie, in fact. He attempted suicide and fried his brain in the process.
Okay, so, what did I think of this one? Big Old Jewel.
It wasn’t without its problems, I’ll admit. It was pretty low rent in terms of how it was structured but made up for it with some cool special effects and a decent storyline overall. It was a good watch. I’d recommend it.
All right, so next week, we’ll be watching Dead End starring Lin Shaye and Ray Wise, which in it of itself seems promising. Here’s hoping it is!
O~
*
Goodman, faced with the horror of what he’d done, collapses. A few moments later, he’s attacked by the rotting ghost of the handicapped boy.
The boy leads him down a white hallway leading to a bed. He puts Goodman in the bed, then crawls in with him and puts his finger in his mouth.
So, yeah, what does that mean...exactly? Well, as it turns out, Goodman is in a coma. Has been for the whole movie, in fact. He attempted suicide and fried his brain in the process.
Okay, so, what did I think of this one? Big Old Jewel.
It wasn’t without its problems, I’ll admit. It was pretty low rent in terms of how it was structured but made up for it with some cool special effects and a decent storyline overall. It was a good watch. I’d recommend it.
All right, so next week, we’ll be watching Dead End starring Lin Shaye and Ray Wise, which in it of itself seems promising. Here’s hoping it is!
O~
*
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