I Really Am Too Old for This Shit

 

Hey, hey, Horror Nuts!  Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

This week, I got treated to a slasher movie!  During Halloween season, even!  It's a really wonderful thing because as you probably already know, I loves me a good slasher movie.

Lately, though, a lot of the newer slasher movies have left me feeling like...well...

I mean, I never wanted to be like, "In my day, we used to watch our slasher movies uphill both ways", but here we are. There was something very...young about this movie and at the time, I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it is.

And then, I was milling through the library last week and found this:

And I was so pissed. 

NOT because it's a book too, but because I didn't KNOW it was a book and I have a strict "we read the book first" policy. And now, I can't read it. 

What does that have to do with me being old? Well, I'll get to that in a bit. In the meantime, I'll get over it...but I won't like it.  Anyway, this week's movie:

There's Someone Inside Your House starring Sydney Park, Theodore Pellerin, Ashja Cooper, Dale Whibley, Jesse LaTourette, Diego Josef, Burkley Duffield, BJ Harrison, and Zane Clifford.

Okay, so this story is about...well, it's a high school slasher film. Pretty basic setup. Like, the opening scene is basically the opening scene to Scream except instead of Drew Barrymore being hacked to death in suburbia, it's a Dudebro being hacked to death in a farmhouse. 

So, with the star quarterback dead, our ragtag group of friends find themselves in the middle of a bonafide game of who's the killer?  

I have to say, I thought the killer design was pretty interesting. See, THIS killer wears a 3D printed mask of his victims and he knows everyone's secrets and exposes them when he kills them. 

Okay, so, when it comes to slasher films, I like to do a little grading system in lieu of a synopsis that I call Blood, Boobs, Body Count, and Bad Acting. How does this one hold up?  Let's see.

Blood: A

There was a nice amount of blood in this one and some decent kills reminiscent of old school Friday the 13th kind of kills. Knives through whole skulls, backs, mouths, neck slices...very, very gruesome. No decapitation, though. Meh, maybe in the sequel.

Boobs: F

Nope. Very little cleavage, no town slut, no onscreen sex. Not even a sideboob here. Sorry, folks.

But that's okay in this case because it felt logical for the movie's pace and the characters in the movie and not purposely forced like some more recent slasher movies lately.  Honestly, I'm neither for or against boobs in slasher movies, just...if you're going to take them out of the movie, make it make sense, please?  This one does that. Take note, filmmakers.

Body Count: B

A good number of the characters die...but not enough to get a higher grade. Five people is too low a number for a slasher flick in my honest opinion.

Bad Acting: F

Big F. The cast, ALL the cast, killed it. I'm not saying this was an oscar-winning performance or anything, but these actors have some real skills. I was impressed!

So, the big question. Did I like this one?

I mean...I appreciated it. It felt like a real slasher movie in almost every sense and if I was fourteen, this would be my jam.

But as I said earlier, there was something in it that felt younger than me. Maybe because the novel it's based on is a Young Adult novel? While I don't have anything against YA novels at all, they are designed for humans of a particular age plot-wise.

That being said, I can confidently say this movie does not deserve a raspberry...but it's not quite a full-on jewel, so...

Okay, so next week!  I've been trying to get to Halloween Kills, so let's make that happen, huh?  See you next week!

O~
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Billie Eilish, but Waaaay Hairier

 

Hey, hey, Horror Nuts!  Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

Ever wonder how Teen Wolf might've played out of Scott Howard had been an angsty Billie Eilish/Lorde-esque pop star instead of an average teenager in 1980s suburbia?

Neither have I, but here we are anyway.

Yeah, yeah, I know I said I was going to review a vampire movie and, to be honest, that's what I thought this next movie was going to be. That's what I get for not vetting movies before I watch them, I guess.

So, here's the thing.  I like a good werewolf movie as much as the next girl. The problem by and large, however, is that there just aren't enough good ones out there. Like, I could sit here and rattle off at least five halfway decent vampire movies. Meanwhile, werewolf movies be like:
 

I mean, I don't know who's in charge of the werewolf movie-making department of the imaginary horror production company in my brain, but ya'll need to step your game up. 

Which leads me to this week's movie:

Bloodthirsty starring Lauren Beatty, Greg Bryk, Katherine King So, Judith Buchan, and Michael Ironside.

Yes, yes, THAT Michael Ironside. He plays Dr. Swann, the dude managing the treatment of Grey(Beatty) with her "hallucinations". He's only in it for a minute though. Try not to blink or you will miss him.

So, Grey has hallucinations and nightmares that she's eating bunnies in the forest. Apparently, that has been messing with her music career so her manager tells her that the uber infamous, super reclusive music producer, Vaughn Daniels(Bryk) wants to work with her, well, of course, she jumps at the chance.

Never mind the fact that he's nuttier than squirrel shit and most definitely murdered his wife. I mean, you know, they say he was acquitted, but "they" say stuff like that all the time.

Anyway, Grey and her girlfriend Charlie (So) are hanging with Kroger Brand Matthew McConaughey at his secluded compound because that sounds really safe when you say it out loud...

And Kroger Brand McConaughey is trying to influence Grey to dig deeper within herself to produce better music...or is he?

 

Of course, he's not trying to do that.  Spoiler alert, he's trying to get her to discover her inner wolf, you know, cuz he's a wolf.

I know, I know. I'm sucking all the fun out of discovering the plot. Believe me, that's not going to be the most shocking thing about this story. It takes you through the tale the long way, though. This story draaaagggsss like a wounded horse through fields of dark camera work and emo Lana Del Rey vocal riffs. I challenge you to stay awake long enough to find out the big twist at the end.

But, you know, once you get there, it's Gucci, as the kids say. 

The big twist, if you're interested, is simply this: Bargain Basement McConaughey reveals to Grey that a) She is a werewolf. Then he locks her up so she can change into a werewolf

...which, by the way, is weird because apparently, she just...leaves the place where she was locked up and goes out and kills her girlfriend?

But, anyway, after Grey realizes she's killed her girlfriend, Dirtier McConaughey also tells Grey that he did, in fact, murder his wife BECAUSE she found out that he's a bonafide werewolf and that is traditionally bad for a marriage.

Just when you think, Wow, that's a lot to unpack, Musty-Face McConaughey THEN tells Grey that she's his long-lost daughter and he was just trying to get her to let her inner wolf out.

Anyway, Broke-Conaughey tells her that she needs to stay. Grey's all, Nah, I don't think so. He turns into a wolf, she shoots him and goes back to her old life, only now, she has a nifty new album to show the world.

 

And that's it.  That's the movie.

Now comes the question, did I like it? I mean...well...No. Not really. I gotta give it a raspberry.

Look, I tried to like this movie. It was fairly visually striking, the few special effects that were involved were decent, and I loved the strong female lead. It just read more like a drama with a little latex and fake blood sprinkled in.  And I do mean sprinkled. 

The music was fly though. 

Anyway, next week! I'll be watching There's Someone Inside Your House. I know nothing about it! I hope it's good?

See you next week!

-- O~
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Wan Punch Woman

 

Hey, hey, Horror Nuts!  Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

Every so often, you run into a movie that makes you feel many, many different emotions. Sometimes it's a good thing.  You laugh, you cry, you eat your feelings.

And then there are times when you're like, 

Listen, I've watched a loooot of horror movies in my day and I can confidently say that I've seen a lot of weird shit.  This, though...

Let's just get into it, shall we?

Malignant starring Annabelle Wallis, Maddie Hasson, George Young, Michole Briana White, Jean Louisa Kelly, Susanna Thompson, Ingrid Bisu, Jacqueline McKenzie, Jake Abel, Christian Clemonson, and Amir AboulEla

Okay, so it should first be noted that this is a James Wan joint.  Who's James Wan, you ask?

So, James Wan is partially responsible for one of my favorite horror movie franchises of all time, the Saw series. He's also partially responsible for my least favorite horror movie franchise of all time, The Conjuring/Annabelle/Insidious Universe. So, if you've been reading this blog for some time, then you can understand how I could have mixed emotions about this new movie.

But here we go, this is our protag:

Madison(Wallis) is preggers and her husband is an abusive asshole. One night while she's minding her own business, her husband pushes her into a wall because she had a bunch of miscarriages in the past.



No, you read that right. She talks about her miscarriages, he says, "IMMA PUSH YOU INNA WALL!" But that's okay because a mysterious force offs him pretty spectacularly. Unfortunately, said unseen force also attacks her, causing yet another miscarriage. 

Enter officer Kekoa Shaw(Young). Kekoa and his partner start investigating the odd death of Madison's husband.  His partner is immediately suspicious and says, "Madison totally did this."  Kekoa's like, "No, she didn't." 

Meanwhile, Madison gets out of the hospital and goes on with her life and meanwhile, meanwhile, her attacker kidnaps a random woman because...well, we'll get to that.



So, over the course of the movie, Madison starts seeing the killer as he goes on a murder spree.  Why is he doing this?  Why is Madison seeing the killer? Whhhhyyy?

Well...

I've been struggling as to whether I would make this spoiler-free or not because it's such a crazy movie that it's hard NOT to talk about the fact that the craziest parts of this movie also involve its really crazy twist endings.

But I figure by now if you're reading this, then you've already seen some of the social media comedians out there, so let's just do this.

Okay so, Detective Kekoa and his sassy black partner, Regina(White) are investigating the murders of these plastic surgeons. What they find out is that Madison was a patient of this doctor as a child.

Oh, don't worry. It gets better. Dig this.



Madison's adopted sister, Sydney(Hasson) does some digging and finds out that Madison was treated by these plastic surgeons who specialized in fucked up shit. She finds tapes of Madison's time with them as a child and she finds out three really important bits of information.

1) Madison's adopted mom is still alive

2) Madison is a twin

and 3) and probably the most important part of all this, This is Madison's twin:

Yeeeah, Madison's basically Profession Quirrell in Harry Potter. Like, for real, real. Like:

All right, so at the same time that Sidney is finding this out, Detective Kekoa and his partner have discovered that the kidnapped woman is Madison's mom. After Detective Regina turns to her partner and goes, "I LITERALLY told you so", they arrest Madison.  Madison is attacked in jail which causes her Voldemort twin to wake up and prompts one of the single best moments I've ever seen in a horror movie.

Girl, lemme tell you, you have not lived until you've seen somebody kill a room full of people backward. I mean, would somebody come over here and look at this??

So, needless to say, Madison/Gabriel escapes and decides to finish off their mother, who's in the hospital. Sidney and Detective Kekoa both get taken out, but not before Sidney manages to reach her sister.

Madison realizes she can control Gabriel just like he controlled her. She takes back her control and manages to push Gabriel back into her subconscious. And...

And that's it. The end. They all live happily ever after, I guess.

So, I suppose the million-dollar question is did I like this movie. I...

I mean, I gotta be real with y'all. It's almost a great movie. Like, this movie drips money. The special effects were top tier and the fact that there were little things that I noticed early on were addressed pretty effectively.

Like I kept thinking "Why does Gabriel move so weird?" and "What are these weird shots with the back of Madison's head?"  Directorially and technically speaking. Solid movie. No complaints.

But the execution of the story kind of sucked.  Sorry, I'm just going to say it.  Things happen for no reason, people do things with no motivation, there's a very real sense of impatience with the actual plot.  It's very "let's just...get to the good parts!  We don't need to tell the story!"

I'm giving it two scores because the plot was just as bad as the rest of the movie was good. So, overall:

But the actual plot:

Next week's movie!!!  Think I'm gonna check out Bloodthirsty as I love a good vampire film...or even a bad one. We'll see.

See you next time!

O~
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