Five Nights in Nic Cage's Basement

 

Hey, hey, Horror Nuts! Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

So, when last we left you on WTFHM, I wanted to do the sequel to Orphan. As it turns out, though, while the interwebs said that it came out in January, that apparently was a lie. Which, for the moment, is fine as I wasn't all that jazzed to watch it anyway. (More on that if it ever comes out).

So, this week, I decided to review a Nic Cage horror movie mainly because if those words in that order don't make you at least a little bit curious, you might be a little dead inside. Or maybe just a little deader than me.

While I would love to get into a discussion as to whether or not Mr. Cage is a good actor or not (because I don't really know any more than you do), this review is going to be a lot less mentally taxing.

Without further ado, then, This week's movie!

Willy's Wonderland starring Nicolas Cage, Emily Tosta, Beth Grant, Ric Reitz, Chris Warner, Kai Kadlec, Caylee Cowan, Jonathan Mercedes, Terayle Hill, and Christian Delgrasso.

So, once upon a time, there was a Haunted Chuckee Cheese place called "Freddy Fazbear's Pizzaria," I mean, "Willy's Wonderland," where the animatronics come to life and murder people.

Because who would ever see that coming, right?

So, what are the townspeople to do but to try to sacrifice people who get stuck in the town to the animatronic monsters? Enter the strong and silent Drifter (Cage). They break his sweet Camaro and tell him if he spends the night cleaning the building, that'll cover the debt to repair his car.

You know...thinking that the animatronics will eat him and leave the townspeople alone. What actually happens:

But get this. THAT is the B-story of this particular movie. The A story is way less interesting.

This is Liv(Tosta). Liv hates Willy's Wonderland because of all the murder and sacrifice and stuff. She sets out to burn the building down with the help of her band of merry victims.

 

No, seriously. It's not even worth getting to know them because the animatronics pick them off in record time. 

Anyway, Liv tries to warn the Drifter, only to very quickly find out that he's doing just fine. He's even got time to actually clean the place and play some pinball on his breaks.

And dance. Also dance.

So, Liv is trying to escape and everything, but the sheriff (Grant) comes in and stops the Drifter with handcuffs and a backstory that we'd pretty much already guessed about why the animatronics are murdery and why he has to be the sacrifice...

Except that doesn't make any sense since he's doing a great job at getting rid of them.

Anyway, a couple of unnecessary lens flares later and her deputy's killed by a borderline racially offensive animatronic and the Drifter takes out two more of the monsters.

And how does this whole thing wrap up? Well...I mean, Nic Cage kills the monsters and the place blows up as he drives away in his sweet, sweet Camaro.

My assessment of this movie is a pretty simple one. I don't know what the hell the filmmakers were going for here...but I was with it.

Like, I honestly would not call this a "good" movie, per se. And the only note I have is that it would have been a better movie without the A plot. And I wouldn't say that it was even particularly "well made" but you gotta appreciate a movie that dares to ask:

And I was. So, yes, jewels are given on this day:

Next week's movie! Master. I think it's on Hulu? I guess we'll see. 

See you next week!

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