Sunday, September 5, 2021

Happy Wife, Happy Life


Hey, hey, Horror Nuts!  Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!

So, remember when I said that this week, I'd be doing A Quiet Place 2? Yeah...due to some unforeseen circumstances, I'm gonna have to put that off for the moment.

But never fear. I've got another movie all ready and according to Rotten Tomatoes, it's certified fresh!

Yeah. Whatever that means? I mean, generally speaking, Rotten Tomatoes is pretty spot on with their reviews. This time...well...

Let's just get into it, shall we?

Jakob's Wife starring Barbara Crampton, Larry Fessenden, Bonnie Aarons, Nyisha Bell, Sarah Lind, Mark Kelly, Robert Rusler, Jay DeVon Johnson, and...C.M. Punk?

I feel like I missed that last one somehow? IMDB says he's in the movie, so I guess he must be.


Anne(Crampton) is the wife of minister Jakob(Fessenden)...and she's bored. Fortunately for her, her ex-boyfriend that she's still kind of hot for comes into town on a business deal!

Anne takes her ex, (whose name is Tom Low(Rusler) and is heretofore always referred to as Tom Low), to the building that he's looking to buy which also happens to be a creepy warehouse.

Tom starts putting the moves on Anne while sitting on a mysterious crate and, well, wouldn't you know it, old Tom Low gets got.


Oh, and so does Anne.  But it's okay, guys. She lives because she's in the title.

Anyway, Anne starts acting pretty strange, as you can imagine. She starts dressing better and lifting furniture and dancing around in a circle...

So, yeah, Jakob realizes there's something weird going on with his wife and thinks she's having an affair with Tom Low.

She's not. She's just living her best life.

Of course, living one's best life comes with consequences...

I'm gonna take a minute to point out an interesting thing about this movie. Like...every vampire movie has a set of rules that are usually explained in one way or another.  Here's what we learn about being a vampire in this story.

1. Sunlight isn't a problem...? I mean, it kind of is, but not really?

So, for the whole of the movie, Anne can walk around in the daytime and do daytime stuff...but when she goes to the dentist to get her teeth whitened with one of those UV ray light things, this happens?

It's kind of explained later that she hasn't fully turned and I guess that's why, but yeah...

2. The blood Anne drinks has to be human

We find this out when Anne tries to use bags of animal blood (Did you know you could buy animal blood from the deli? I mean...I hope that's not true. What would you use it for??) but it makes her sick and it doesn't work. After her severe mouth burn, she offs a neighbor and hey, all better!

3. Stakes and Holy Water work pretty good, no word on garlic, though.

So, at a certain point, Jakob finds himself neck-deep in vampire problems. He immediately uses stakes and holy water like he's been a vampire hunter his whole life. I can only reason that maybe it's in the bible somewhere?  Seems like something that would be in Revelations.

The fourth thing...well, it's a spoiler and this IS a new movie, so...yeah. If you can spot it, then Congratulations! you watch as many horror movies as I do.

The movie ends with Anne being faced with going back to having a smaller world or being open to a bigger one.  I feel that, Anne. I feel that.

Okay, so what do I give this movie?  I liked it well enough. It was gory and fun and had a tickle of social commentary in it.  And for all my film snobbery, I do enjoy gory and fun. I'll throw it a jewel.

Okay, Next week! No promises, but I'm gonna try to do A Quiet Place 2.  If not...I'm sure I can find something just as good.

See you next time!!


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