Sunday, November 17, 2019

Brocation Survival Kit

Hidey ho, peoples! Welcome to another WTFHM!

So, what do you get when you mix three horny bros on a trip to Amsterdam with some drugs, sex, a sprinkle of racism, and a dash of homophobia and then put it all in a blender? 

I’m not going to spend this blog ranting about why Eli Roth’s brand of horror is not my cup of tea. Okay, maybe I’m going to rant a little.

You know how people who don’t watch horror movies say that horror movies are full of gratuitous sex and violence? Well, okay, that’s actually true.

The trouble with Hostel and just about every Eli Roth movie I’ve ever seen is that everything is gratuitous. The violence. The sex. The characters. Everything and everyone is a caricature or a stereotype. There’s no sense of anything connecting actual things that actual humans might do. It’s like…you ever talk to someone about sex who’s never had sex before?

Yeah, kind of like that. I never thought I’d say that I thought a horror director’s work was juvenile, but, well...

This week's Movies!

The Hostel Series starring Jay Hernandez, Derek Richardson, Eythor Gudjonsson, Barbara Nedeljakova, Jana Kaderbkova, Keiko Saiko, Takashi Miike, Petr Janis, Lauren German, Roger Bart, Heather Matarazzo, Bijou Phillips, Richard Burgi, Patrick Zigo, Milda Jedi Havlas, Kip Pardue, Brian Hallisay, John Hensley, Sarah Habel, Chris Coy, and Sklyer Stone.

So, I’m not going to do a breakdown for these movies. Why not? Well, if you really want one, here you go:

Part I

Bros go to Amsterdam looking to get high and get laid.

Bros get told about a place where they can get high and get laid.

Bros go to high/laid place (a Hostel, if you will).

Bros get kidnapped and tortured.

One bro lives long enough to take revenge and ride off into the sunset.

The end – Lesson? Women are messed up.

Part II

Bro from the first movie lives long enough for a recap of the last movie.

Art student Basics go on vacation in Prague to get high and laid.

Basics ride a train full of predatory men. Literally, full of predatory men.

Basics get told about a place where they can get high and get laid.

Basics go to high/laid place (same hostel)

Basics get kidnapped and tortured.

One Basic lives long enough to take revenge (via gelding one of the main bad guys with rusty hedgeclippers) and buy stock in the killing business

The End – Lesson? Men are messed up.

Part III

Same thing as Part I except one more bro and it’s in Vegas.

The End – Lesson? Everyone’s pretty messed up.

Now, that’s out of the way, so, let’s do a Dos and Don’ts for the whole shebang. This way if you happen to be a Bro, maybe you’ll avoid being kidnapped and tortured while you’re Bro-ing up overseas. Consider this Bro Public Service Announcement.

Take your best buddy on a vacation

I’ve said this before. Vacations are a great thing and should be taken as often as possible – especially if you have a good friend to travel with. Our ten main characters all decide to get away to somewhere new and exotic and by all means, you should definitely do so, however…


Go off the beaten path.

I don’t know how many times I have to say this, but no good can come from exploring any place where there’s no GPS or cell service. In two of the Hostels, the bros and the basics are told about a little town in Slovakia where they can party up instead of sticking to large cities and safety (in the third, the four bros are taken to a warehouse party in the back alley of a sketchy neighborhood).

I know finding new adventures is exciting, but then so’s being chased by dogs down a long dark hallway. How you spend your vacation is really important. Choose wisely.


Have responsible friends.

Look. I realize that you’re bros and everything, but you have to keep a healthy ratio of responsibility to bro at all times. That means you need more than one friend to talk some actual sense into you. However, if you are that unfortunate friend trapped in a den of bro-sephs…


Hang with your bros when they do something stupid.

You know how when you were a kid and got caught doing something dumb with your friends and your mother asked, “if they jumped off a bridge would you do it, too?”

All I’m saying is don’t follow your bros off a bridge. You will all die. All of you. Probably into a pit of spikes.

Make friends

While you’re in Amsterdam or Prague or wherever, be friendly! Make some new buds. Have a little sex, drink a little booze, etc. You never know. You might actually need them to help you escape crazy psychopathic millionaires, but…


Go back for your friends.

Another one I’ve said before. The bottom line is just that you cannot help your friends if you are dead too. If you have a way out, take it. Do not go back for your friends. Don’t do it. As we learn in the Hostel series, no good will come from it and, in fact, they’ll probably end up dying anyway. Speaking of your friends…


Call the police when someone turns up missing.

In all three movies, someone in the friend camp pops up missing and no one calls the cops. In fact, it doesn’t even really come up until the third movie. One of the characters says that people go missing in Vegas so often that the cops don’t even bother calling them missing for at least a week…which is just lazy writing.

Now, to be fair, it is insinuated that the police might be in on the whole thing, but 1) that’s never really verified as anything more than paranoia and 2) WHY WOULD YOU NOT CALL THE POLICE IMMEDIATELY IF THEY GO MISSING?

My dudes, this is not the Hangover. You will not have a fun time gallivanting all over Europe if your friends go missing. Even in a real-world scenario, losing your bud while you’re on a trip is a terrifying experience. Just call the cops. And while you’re at it…

Let someone take you to where they are.

In all three movies, some sketchy person says, “I know where they are, let me take you there.” It does not end well for that person and why would it? You’re riding in the back of a car of a person you just met and are pretty sure had something to do with your friend’s disappearance. Does any part of that sound like a smart move? No, it doesn't. Hang your head in shame.

And finally, the most important thing to remember on your bro-cation,


Arm yourself.

It’s like I always say, if you find yourself about to be murdered by psychopaths, zombies, or scarecrow monsters, find the first weapon you can get your hands on and USE IT. Use it as often and as liberally as possible. The one bright spot in this movie is how readily all the survivors could smash heads in when it came down to escape. I suppose that’s a sort of commentary on how we’re all monsters? I think? Probably not.

Okay, so, as expected, I did not like these movies. The first movie I’ve seen before this and watching it again was so much worse the second time around. Unlike a lot of horror sequels, this one does not get better as they go along. I’m only thankful of the reminder of why I don’t particularly like torture porn. 

So, let’s have a great big Bronx Cheer for the Hostel Movies.

Next week, we’re taking on The Innkeepers! Yay, I know nothing about this movie!  

See you next week!


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