Heckboy

Hey, hey, horror nuts! Welcome to another edition of WTFHM!!

So, this week, we’re doing yet another remake/reboot whatever. Now, because the last couple of movies I reviewed were exceptions to the “I can’t stand a remake” rants that I tend to go into, we had a little vacation from all the reasons why I don’t like remakes. I mean, let’s face it, sometimes, the people that make movies make a good reboot/remake/reimagining. You know, it's the whole thousand monkeys in a room, blah, blah, blah.

That being said, it was a good run while it lasted.

Hellboy starring David Harbour, Milla Jovovich, Ian McShane, Daniel Day Kim, Brian Gleeson, Mark Stanley, and Sasha Lane.

I know, I’ve been cheating you guys out of synopsis’ lately and I wasn’t planning on skipping it here, but that’s kind of my first issue with this movie. Me detailing it out is pretty much the same thing as you watching it. The whole concept of "show, not tell" was clearly lost on whoever did the writing of this rendition of the Hellboy story.

Since there wasn’t very much I liked about this remake anyway, I’m gonna spare you dry retelling and give you the highlights of where Hellboy 2019 went wrong.

Show Don’t Tell

So, there are a bunch of moments in this story where instead of just showing us what happened, the filmmakers decided to just tell us. In the first few minutes of the movie, we’re given background about a war between King Arthur and a powerful witch called the Blood Queen. It’s a pretty interesting story and they used all the special effects in the world to tell it...along with a voiceover telling you all the action that was happening on the screen. Yes, welcome to the audiobook version of a backstory.

I find myself wondering if they did shot long elaborate battle scenes only to have the studio tell them to cut them out. Gee, I wish there was some way to tell shortened versions of those parts of the story without literally telling that part of the story.

Aaanyway…



Wait...which story are we telling again?

So, here’s a little bit of ADHD storytelling going on. This version of Hellboy seems to be telling a bunch of stories all at once...but in weird “I’m just gonna tell you the reader’s digest version of it” fragments. I counted about five in total.


There’s the story about King Arthur and the war against the supernatural forces of the world and the evil queen whose sister betrays her.

There’s also the story about the changeling that wanted to be a real boy.

There’s the story about the baby girl getting kidnapped by fairies and getting cool powers.

There’s a story about a special ops dude that gets bitten by a Were-Jaguar and has to keep sticking himself with anti-Were-Jaguar serum to stay human because he hates himself and all monsters but then decides later that he can use his powers for good.

And the main story which is Hellboy finds out who he really is and accepts his adoptive father who dies when he’s mad at him, but forgives him, blah, blah, blah…

There’s also some kind of weird father/daughter/boyfriend/girlfriend energy between Hellboy and Alice (Lane) the psychic girl. I don’t know. I don’t actually think the writers knew either, to be honest, because it was really muddy.

Apparently, only Ron Perlman can ever play Hellboy

Okay, let’s get something straight before we get into this. I like David Harbour just as much as the rest of you guys. He’s one of my favorite things about Stranger Things (no spoilers! I haven’t seen it yet!) and he’s the kind of actor that has that likable, cuddly papa grizzly bear thing happening, which is a plus and a half for me.

Unfortunately, that likability does not translate into the character of a hardened, curmudgeonly, demon who happens to like cats and smokes cigars (which, by the way, neither is a thing in the new movie). Perlman is tough, intimidating, and wise-cracking, like a scary biker with a heart of gold. Harbour’s version is less scary biker with a heart of gold and more baseball bat-wielding dad. If either were your friend, they’d have your back to kick some butt...but only one would be effective against undead hell beasts.

And for the record, you might love Hopper, but you can’t tell me that if it was between him and Ron Perlman Hellboy against the Demogorgon in Stranger Things you’d be all like, “Hopper can take him!”

Be real. You'd pick Ron Perlman Hellboy in a heartbeat and you know it.

Moving on…

The Bold Print thing


I need somebody to explain why every new movie is using that, now? I haven’t decided yet if this is a criticism, per se. I meant, I just don’t know why it’s a thing. Do I care that this scene takes place in LONDON? And if I did, do I care so much that it has to be stamped on the screen like it’s a UPS package?

Anyway, let’s just agree to stop doing it now. It’s kind of dumb.

Hellboy is subject to the Jedi Mind Trick



So, there’s a couple of times that Hellboy is told something that turns out to be pivotal moments about his whole finding himself thing. These things are told to him by the bad guys, which he eats up, absorbs and accepts at lightning speed.




I mean, at one point, The Blood Queen (Jovovich) comes to him like all, “you’re the chosen one! Be my king, big guy” and he’s all like,

That’s it. No real thought into it, really. The next time she sees him, she’s all, “Hey, you want to do this whole king thing with me?” He gives a little resistance, but ultimately, he’s all like,

I mean, damn, Hellboy, if it’s that easy maybe Broom should have left you with the Nazis...though it clearly would have been pretty easy to convince you either way, right?

This is...horror?

I seem to recall someone telling me - before this movie came out - that this version would have more horror elements to it. Well...I mean, that was true. There were horror elements to it. In fact, they crammed the majority of them into a scene with giant demon things ripping off faces and tearing people asunder. Not gonna lie. That was pretty cool.

But outside of that measly little five-minute gorefest, what little horror there was...well, it was really just a half step above the original and not nearly as creative. With exception to that one scene, (and a crawly crab-walking witch monster fight scene that was pretty gross) what they added was no scarier or gorier than what you can see in the Fast and the Furious. Or, actually, the Perlman Hellboy movies. I guess it’s horror by the most base definition but…

So, needless to say, this one gets a big, fat Bronx Cheer.

I'll make no bones about it, it was pretty stinky as remakes go.

Next week, we’re keeping the remake train going with The Hitcher. I’m kind of thinking it might all downhill from here.


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