Sunday, November 11, 2018

How to Screw Up Your Kid 101

Welcome class to the “How to Screw up Your Kid” edition of Will Twerk for Horror Movies.

Now, I’ve watched a lot of horror in my life and one of the things that I’ve come to learn is that the horror genre is a strictly 18 and up sport. If you find yourself in a horror movie and you are anywhere under the age of 18, you will probably be:

A) Screwed up somewhere between the beginning and end of your ideal or

B) Already pretty hardcore screwed up before the story even begins. This is all operating under the assumption that you live through it at all anyway.

And yes, before you ask, children do occasionally get hacked up in a horror movie. In the vastness of the genre, child murder is pretty rare even today, but certainly not unheard of.

And so, we begin with this week’s movie:

The Eyes of My Mother starring Kika Magalhes, Diana Agostini, Olivia Bond, Will Brill, Joey Curtis-Green, Paul Nazak, and Clara Wong.

So, Francesca(Bond) and her mom and dad (Agostini and Nazak) all live on a farm somewhere in the middle of nowhere. While Francesca’s father goes out to work every day, her mother teaches her about life…and the dissecting of body parts.

Yeah, that’s a cow’s head and yes, they are dissecting it. Specifically, the eyes….which is weird.

So, life is good on the farm with Francesca and her mother and father until one day while her father is at work, a strange man named Charlie(Brill) comes to the farm.

He convinces her mother to allow him to come into the house and use the bathroom, which goes very bad very quickly. He pulls a gun on her and takes her into the bathroom, leaving Francesca in the kitchen.

Sometime later, Francesca’s father comes home to find Charlie beating his wife to death. So he does what any husband would do in such a situation. He knocks him unconscious and chains him up in the barn.

After Charlie’s been in the barn for a while, screaming his head off, Francesca decides to go visit Charlie in his makeshift prison and after proclaiming to him that he was her only friend, she does what any of us would do when in a room with the man who murdered our mother might do; She removes his vocal chords and sews his eyes shut.

Okay, so years go by and adult Francesca(Magalhes) is still taking care of Charlie in the barn. Her father also dies, but that’s okay because she decides to preserve his body.


Now that both her parents are dead, Francesca’s feeling lonely. So, she heads down to the local bar and picks up a woman and brings her back to her house.

So, Francesca and her date, Kimiko(Wong) are having a chat with one another that goes something like:

K: “So, this is a nice place.”

F: “It was my parents.”

K: “That’s cool. Where are they now?”

F: “Mom was murdered and I killed my dad.”

K: “Haha, that’s funny.”

F: …

As you can imagine, Kimiko picks up pretty quick that she just walked right into a murderer’s house. She tries to leave, but, sadly, Francesca murders her and chops her up.

Sometime after, Francesca buries her father’s remains and mourns his death and, more importantly, her loneliness. She then decides to bring Charlie in from the barn. She bathes him and brings him up to her room to sleep for the night.

Well, as you can imagine, Charlie uses that opportunity to try to escape. He only gets a few yards from the house before Francesca realizes that he’s gone and goes after him. Upon finding him, she stabs him to death and -- here’s the shocking part -- finds she really likes stabbing him to death.

OOooh-kay, class. You with me so far? Good.

All right, Francesca is distraught because she’s really alone now. She wanders through the woods and onto the highway until a truck comes by and sees her and offers her a lift back home. She takes it.

The driver is a nice woman with her infant son. She drops her off and Francesca asks to hold her baby, just for a minute.

You see where this is going, right?

First chance she gets, Francesca runs back to the house with the baby. The mother chases her and gets lured into a room where Francesca comes up behind her and stabs her. Then she does what anyone would do if their parents were dead and they were feeling kind of lonely. She drags the woman to the barn, chains her up, removes her vocal cords and sews her eyes shut AND raises the baby as her own.

Fast forward a few more years. Little Antonio(Curtis-Green) is now around school age. He doesn’t know that his birth mother is chained up in the barn. In fact, he thinks that Francesca is his mother. Francesca is as happy as a clam raising Antonio while keeping his birth mother chained up in the barn like The Gimp in Pulp Fiction.

Everything is great until little Antonio sneaks out of the house to take a peek at what’s in the barn. Horrified, he asks his mother who the woman is and why she’s there. Francesca scolds him for disobeying her instead of explaining…see, she told him never to go in the barn.

Okay, so, a little more time goes on and Antonio gets up in the middle of the night and unlocks the barn door. His mother finds her way out and escapes.

When Francesca finds her gone the next morning, she panics, but chills herself out, convinced that no one is going to find her anyway. She digs up her mom and starts telling her how much she misses and such. When she comes back, she sees police cars.

See, Antonio’s mom got as far as the road where she was found by a trucker. Yeah. And they called the cops because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you find a woman with no vocal cords and her eyes sewed shut in the middle of a highway.

With the cops closing in, Francesca runs back to the house and wakes up Antonio. She tells him how much she loves him and to not believe any of the things that people might tell him about her. Just as she gets him out of bed, the cops break in and we hear a gunshot.

And they all live happily ever after.

Okay, class, so what did we learn? I would say that when raising children one should always foster a healthy imagination and take an active role in educating your offspring about the world. That education, however, probably shouldn’t include anything involving dissecting a cow’s head and imprisoning and mutilating someone for several years.

As far as what rating I give this one: Jewel, all the way. All things considered, it was very rough around the edges, but the story was pretty solid. I also liked it that much of the gore was implied, yet I kept getting the feeling that there was a lot more than what I was seeing. 

So, next week’s movie? Fear Clinic starring Robert Englund and Fiona Dourif. I have a feeling I’m gonna like this one no matter what.


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