Hello, everybody! So, thanks to events out of my control, you might’ve noticed that I’m a little late getting a post out. Never fear, though, I’m still here and I’ve got a new movie to review.
Before we get to the aforementioned review, however, I just need to give props to my fellow coworker at FPL and fellow horror enthusiast, Jeff Milo, for his review of my book Three A.M. Best review I’ve gotten so far! Please, check it out.
So, okay, this week’s movie:
I do love a good Christmas Horror Movie.
Don’t Open Till Christmas starring Edmund Purdom, Alan Lake, Belinda Mayne, Mark Jones, and Gerry Sundquist. The story of this one is pretty simple. Somewhere in England, there’s someone murdering men dressed as Santa Claus. The story begins when Kate (Mayne) and her boyfriend Cliff (Sundquist) are at a party where Kate’s dad is dressed as a Santa Claus to entertain the guests. As he comes out on stage, he’s murdered by a mysterious man in a mask and cloak. The story kind of follows them and Inspector Harris (Purdom) Detective Powell (Jones) while they try to track down the killer.
So, obviously, this one falls into the Slasher Movie category, which means I’ll be measuring this one’s merits by Blood, Boobs, Body Count, and Bad Acting as per usual.
First off – Blood: A
So, there was an admirable amount of blood and murder and gore. I was fairly impressed with the imagination level of the Santa deaths. One Santa gets his face burned on a chestnut stove, a couple gets axes and knives to the face, lots of stabbing and chopping. It was exactly as I expected for a 1984 slasher flick. More on the Santa deaths in a minute.
Boobs: C
There are two boob shots and it’s the same girl, which is a pretty low number for slasher movies of the time. There is, however, a scene where the naked woman in question is narrowly missed being killed because of her hot bod.
Really. That’s it. Because of her hot bod. He looks at her body, acts like he’s gonna kill her, runs away.
Body Count: A+
Like I said; Very imaginative Santa deaths. All told, there were seventeen deaths altogether with ten Santas biting the dust. The Santa deaths break down to five stabbings, one impalement, one death by explosion, one shot in the mouth, one castration, and one death by a machete to the face.
Bad Acting: A++++
The acting was positively exquisite in its awfulness. Wooden movements, flat responses, the villain mugging for the camera as he leers over his victim. It was so glorious. For instance, the aforementioned naked woman makes this face for a solid five minutes while she's not being killed:
Don’t Open Till Christmas starring Edmund Purdom, Alan Lake, Belinda Mayne, Mark Jones, and Gerry Sundquist. The story of this one is pretty simple. Somewhere in England, there’s someone murdering men dressed as Santa Claus. The story begins when Kate (Mayne) and her boyfriend Cliff (Sundquist) are at a party where Kate’s dad is dressed as a Santa Claus to entertain the guests. As he comes out on stage, he’s murdered by a mysterious man in a mask and cloak. The story kind of follows them and Inspector Harris (Purdom) Detective Powell (Jones) while they try to track down the killer.
So, obviously, this one falls into the Slasher Movie category, which means I’ll be measuring this one’s merits by Blood, Boobs, Body Count, and Bad Acting as per usual.
First off – Blood: A
So, there was an admirable amount of blood and murder and gore. I was fairly impressed with the imagination level of the Santa deaths. One Santa gets his face burned on a chestnut stove, a couple gets axes and knives to the face, lots of stabbing and chopping. It was exactly as I expected for a 1984 slasher flick. More on the Santa deaths in a minute.
Boobs: C
There are two boob shots and it’s the same girl, which is a pretty low number for slasher movies of the time. There is, however, a scene where the naked woman in question is narrowly missed being killed because of her hot bod.
Really. That’s it. Because of her hot bod. He looks at her body, acts like he’s gonna kill her, runs away.
Body Count: A+
Like I said; Very imaginative Santa deaths. All told, there were seventeen deaths altogether with ten Santas biting the dust. The Santa deaths break down to five stabbings, one impalement, one death by explosion, one shot in the mouth, one castration, and one death by a machete to the face.
Bad Acting: A++++
The acting was positively exquisite in its awfulness. Wooden movements, flat responses, the villain mugging for the camera as he leers over his victim. It was so glorious. For instance, the aforementioned naked woman makes this face for a solid five minutes while she's not being killed:
So, all in all, this one gets the jewel. It’s just good Saturday Afternoon Thriller Double Feature kind of fun. Blood, gore, corny acting. This one’s a winner all the way around.
Next week’s movie is…?
I don’t know. I didn’t have a chance to grab the next movie. So I guess it will be a surprise for us all!
O~
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