Sunday, September 15, 2019

Cannibal Hillbilly Vacation




Hidey-ho, horror people!  And welcome to another edition of WTFHM!


Today, we'll be covering yet another remake. Yes, I know. It's so thrilling.


That being said, I have to say, we've had pretty good luck in the remake/reboot/reimagining section of horror movies. For the most part, we've run into some pretty good ones. Soo...


Yay! So, like The Hitcher remake, The Hills Have Eyes remake managed to stay on track with the same story as the original...except the remake has a little more sauce to it.



So, let's do a little Do or Don't for this one.


The Hills Have Eyes starring Ted Levine, Tom Bower, Kathleen Quinlan, Dan Byrd, Emilie de Ravin, Aaron Stanford, Vinessa Shaw, Maisie Camilleri Preziosi, Robert Joy, Laura Ortiz, and Billy Drago.



 Now, I know you guys recognize at least one name on that list -- Billy Drago, arguably one of the scariest looking dudes to ever act. (They didn't put much makeup on him for this movie, by the way. They just slapped a beard on him and rolled him in dirt.)



But most of you probably just ran right past Ted Levine, which, yeah, you probably would because he's a character actor that's in a whole lot of stuff - including Silence of the Lambs:



Yeah, NOW you remember him, right?

So. Ahem.



DO:

Go on road trips!  I've said this before. Road trips are fun. Take the wife. Take the kids. Definitely take a trailer. Have a blast. However...





DON'T:

Do anything to piss off the locals.

So, at the beginning of this movie, the grizzly old gas station owner (Bower) wants to get out of the murdering for the local cannibal family business, but when one of the family dogs get loose and ends up in his office where he's keeping the valuables of poor dead travelers. The oldest daughter, Lynn (Carter) chases after the dog and sees the stuff and is caught in the office by the gas station owner. He suspects that she might've seen the ill-gotten goods and decides to steer the family right into the path of the cannibal family.

That reminds me...






DO:

Bring your dog.

In fact, bring more than one if you can. The more vicious, the better. One of the family dogs, Beast defends the family upon several different occasions throughout the film and AND makes it to the end. Thus proving that a big vicious dog is worth all the bullets in your gun in a tight spot. Get yourself a good heckin doggo before you go on a road trip.

*This rule does not apply to any dog under 30 pounds. Chihuahua's are pretty vicious, but they will not really protect you against psychotic hillbilly cannibals.






DON'T:

Gripe about your family.

You'll regret it when they're dead. Like when they go missing and the next thing you know, they're burning in a desert...




Yeah. Feel bad now, don't you, Doug?






DO:

Bring weapons. Axes, baseball bats, crowbars and such are all assets. Guns are definitely a must, however...





DON'T:

Give your kid a gun if he has the worst aim on the planet. Which, young Bobby (Byrd) has. I think he must have fired his gun twenty-five times and hit one dude twice.





DO:

Pay attention to your surroundings.

At a certain point, Doug (Stanford) and Big Bob (Levine) go in separate directions to find help. Doug finds a giant crater filled with abandoned cars. He looks at them curiously, even takes a teddy bear with him presumably for his baby daughter. There is no indication that he might be thinking there is something very wrong about this setup. It's just a curious oddity as he passes through the station wagon graveyard. 

Not kidding. I was watching this scene like;


Yeah, so...





DON'T:

Be afraid to man up.

Okay, so, here's the thing. Doug...well...is a wuss. Big Bob eludes to it in the beginning, and Doug is pretty sore about being called all kinds of wimps at every turn and you kind of brush it off as normal Father-in-law propaganda.



And when he and Bobby find that his wife and mother-in-law (Quinlan) have been murdered and his sister has been sexually assaulted, it still takes him a minute to get with the whole program. He's spurred on to face the cannibal hillbillies after they kidnap his daughter, but he basically has to go through a whole lot of stuff to get to this point:



I mean, he gets knocked out like five times trying to rescue his kid before this point. Thank goodness he had the dog with him.


Last, but not least...





DO:

Kill all the cannibals.

That's it. No explanation necessary. Kill them all. Kill them twice. Burn everything down after.



And for Pete's Sake, don't forget to double tap!

So, needless to say, I have to jewel this one.




It's a good movie. I really can't hate on it at all. It's gorey, suspenseful, and it had a few moments that managed to scar me just a little. I mean, it's going to take me some time to forget the whole breastfeeding...thing.



AND it manages to compliment the original. All the original elements are there - in fact, they didn't take much -- if anything -- out. They just added some seasoning and hot sauce to the pot.

Okay, so, next week we're going to get a little sexy with Horsehead an indie horror!  Yay for indie horror!

See you next time!

--O~
    *


Sunday, September 8, 2019

A Very Special Will Twerk for Horror Movies...





Hidey-Ho all! Welcome back to another week of WTFHM!


This week is going to be a short one because I have an announcement that I wasn’t really planning on making. After some reflection, though, I figured this might be a great opportunity and platform to let you guys know a few things.




So, I don’t really talk about my personal stuff online, mainly because, well, it’s personal. That being said, I never really intended on posting anything about this, mainly because as far as WTFHM is concerned, nothing is going to change.

BUT some of you who are in Michigan and do come around to the library from time to time might be wondering why I’m not there anymore after today. Well, folks, that’s because I’ve accepted a position as Community Engagement Librarian at the Taylor Community Library in Taylor, MI.




Hold on. Don’t freak out. Like I said, nothing is going to change for WTFHM. I’m only at the H’s and the library is only right around the corner from me. I still intend on getting to the end of Ferndale Library’s horror movie collection. Perhaps in the future, I’ll be getting into Taylor’s collection next.



I wanted to say a few words, however, about libraries in general and the library that I have worked for the past two years.




Being my first go around with a library position, I have come to find the work rewarding in more ways than I ever actually imagined. I came into this position expecting nothing. What I gained, in addition to experience in my chosen field, was a dozen or so irreplaceable friendships and a reminder that humanity is not lost so long as libraries still exist. I can honestly say that I’ve learned a lot from every job I’ve ever had, but this has been the only one where I will walk away a better person than I was when I arrived.


Libraries are magical places filled with knowledge, serenity, joy and an endless fount of positive energy. It is a place of safety, community and it is the one place in the world where a person can simply exist without any of the normal consequences of public spaces. (You know, like when you have to buy something to use the services of an establishment?)

These last two years I have learned to listen, to engage, to connect and to genuinely enjoy the company of other human beings. For that, I believe libraries to be our greatest treasure.




So, no movie this week because, well, I just didn’t have time to watch one. With everything going on and getting ready to start a new job, it has to be put off until next Sunday. I hope you guys can live without my ramblings until then.


‎”The America I love still exists at the front desks of our public libraries.”

-- Kurt Vonnegut


--O~
    *

Sunday, September 1, 2019

The Haunting in Georgi-ecticut




Hidey-Ho, Horror nuts and welcome to another WTFHM!!


So, like, last week I mentioned that I’d see The Haunting in Connecticut, which I had, but for some reason, I couldn’t seem to remember a darned thing about the movie. So, for the sake of this blog and, thinking initially there might be some connection between this week’s movie and that one, I suffered through it once more…

...and very quickly remembered why the details of the first movie eluded me. It was...well, that is to say…




I wouldn’t go THAT far, but honestly, there wasn’t a whole lot to remember. There’s a kid with cancer in a haunted house that used to be a funeral home and then this kid happened...





And then, it was over.





Fortunately, I can’t say the same thing about part two. Let me explain…

A Haunting in Connecticut Part 2: Ghosts of Georgia starring Abigail Spencer, Morgana Shaw, Emily Alyn Lind, Chad Michael Murray, Grant James, Lance E. Nicholls, Jaren Mitchell, Katee Sackoff, Brad James, Lauren Pennington, Sam Polin, and Cicely Tyson.




All right, so, once upon a time in Georgia--





Wait, wait, I know. I saw the sign on the way in too. I don’t know why the same guys that did the last movie decided to call this movie a sequel. The two movies only have two things in common; They’re ghost stories and they’re based on true stories. Other than that, this is a completely different movie. Kind of like the third Halloween...or the second Nightmare on Elm Street...or the second Prom Night.





Okay, I’ll quit showing off.





So, anyway, once upon a time in Georgia there lived the Wyrick family, Andy (Murray), Lisa (Spencer) and little Heidi (Lind). Lisa sees dead people, but she takes special *Anti-Dead” pills and her visions go away.





Andy, Lisa, and Heidi and their cowboy boots have all moved to a nice little house on a large acre of land. Almost immediately after they get there Lisa’s sister Joyce (Sackoff) pulls up in her cowboy boots and is all:





Andy’s less than thrilled, but he relents once she explains that her boyfriend and her didn’t work out and thus, she needs a place to stay for a while. Andy tells her she can stay in the dirty old camper by the house and she’s totally cool with it.




In the meantime, Heidi sees an old man on the property...that no one else sees. Heidi tells her mom about him and tells her that on their property there was a swing and some money hidden in the garden. They find a tree where a swing used to be and Joyce and Andy are like:




But Lisa’s like “Whatever. Quit imagining things, kid.”





Later that night, Joyce sits down with Heidi and explains to her that what she saw was real because she can see dead people and she knows she can see dead people because Heidi’s mama can see dead people and their mama could see dead people and even Joyce can see dead people.


Heidi’s like:




And Joyce is like:




But then, she’s like: “Don’t tell your mom. She’s got problems.”



Okay, so, sometime later they get a visit from the local pastor, Pastor Wells (Nichols), who tells Andy, Lisa, and Heidi about the history of the land that they just bought. As it happens, it was owned by a Stationmaster on the Underground Railroad.



I should hope all of you know what that is, but for the sake of exposition, Pastor Wells gives Heidi a quick Black History 101 lesson on the Underground Railroad. He also explains that the previous owner, Mr. Gordy, wasn’t too happy about his great-great-grandfather helping slaves and was kind of a jerk.


Heidi: “Mr. Gordy’s nice to me!”

Pastor Wells: “What?”

Andy: “Boy, it’s getting late. Time to go, Pastor!”



All right, so sometime after that, Andy brings home a dog, that immediately runs off into the woods and gets lost. Andy goes after him and finds him stuck in an ancient trap that was apparently left on the property since 1898. He gets him out and tells Lisa about it. Lisa says to find the rest of them and get rid of them. While he’s destroying the trap, he hears Heidi off talking to somebody. He asks who and she tells him that Mr. Gordy says somebody’s coming.




Andy searches the grounds and finds a man, Prentiss(James) and an old woman, Mama Kay (Tyson). Andy freaks out, but they tell him they were invited by Joyce, who found an old blanket that was used as a marker on the railroad. The blanket, apparently, belonged to their relatives.




Mama Kay talks to Heidi while Andy goes walking with Prentiss. Mama Kay tells Heidi: “Hey, you can see dead people right?”

She’s all, “Yeah!”

Mama Kay’s like:




Anyway, Prentiss tells Andy that Mama Kay’s relatives were supposed to meet up with the stationmaster all those years ago, but they disappeared. He also tells him that the stationmaster was a taxidermist and when the townspeople found out about his hiding slaves, they stuffed him with sawdust and hung him.



Fast forward to later. Andy sits Joyce and Lisa down tells them what Prentiss told him about the stationmaster. Later, while Lisa is giving Heidi a bath, Heidi asks what they were talking about and Lisa tells her everything sans the gory details. She tells Heidi that he was a good man that did good things and Heidi’s like, no he’s not.

Lisa’s like, “Don’t start with me on that imaginary crap.”

Heidi’s all, “But it’s the truth!”

Lisa’s like, “No it isn’t, stupid child. Get out of the tub, dammit.”
And she leaves the room. After a while, when she doesn’t hear her and Heidi hasn’t come out, she goes in the bathroom to check on her only to find her floating face down in the water. She pulls her out and Heidi spits up maggots and sawdust. Lisa freaks out and takes her to the hospital.



At the hospital, Andy shows up and asks what happened. Lisa’s all, “She just threw up a little bit”. The nurse was like, “Yeah, sawdust and maggots.”

Andy’s like: “What?”

Lisa’s like: “Huh?”

And the nurse is like; “Ya’ll need therapy...or a priest or something.”


Hey, that’s a great idea, they think and they call up Pastor Wells and has him do a blessing on Heidi which, by the way, isn’t like any Christian blessing I’ve ever seen, but, yeah, whatever.




Anyway, during the “blessing” in the woods under a full moon, Joyce starts seeing dead people, which freaks her out. Specifically she sees the slaves that were on the grounds before...and she sees her family decomposing. Fun stuff.



Okay, so, later Heidi wakes up to follow one of the ghosts out of the house. Lisa wakes up from a nightmare and realizes she’s gone. She calls the police while Andy goes out looking for her. He finds that she’s fallen down a man-made hole...covered in a really heavy slab. Andy files that away and sets about rescuing his daughter.



Heidi’s in the hole, freaked out, telling her dad that something is down there with her. Andy manages to get down there and they find the remains of bodies, presumably, the slaves the stationmaster was supposed to have rescued.




The police eventually find them and the bodies in the hole. The family goes back home and Heidi tells them, “I don’t want to stay here.”

Joyce is all, but you’re safe now! And Heidi’s like, “No, I’m not. There was a thing in that hole with me and he knows we’re here so we need to dip out before he comes to get us.”



Lisa is like, “Girl, go to bed. Stop talking about imaginary people already!” And Andy is like…”Um...Maybe we should listen to the kid.”



I know! They never listen to the kid! But that fall in the hole has handed Andy the full program and he’s like, “Babe, let’s dip out.”

Lisa’s like, “Why? Just because of Heidi’s imaginary friends?”




Yeah. I know. And clearly Andy knows, too, because he brought receipts to this argument and points out that Heidi’s “imaginary friend” told her about the swing and money in the garden, and she threw up maggots and sawdust less than a minute ago and fell down a hole with a giant heavy slab over it that she could not have moved to get into the hole in the first place and hey, guess what? THERE WERE BODIES IN A FRICKEN HOLE IN THE GROUND BY THE HOUSE.
Lisa’s like, “This is stupid.”

Andy starts packing.



So, Andy manages to convince Lisa that this is the right move and the next night they start packing up to leave. While they’re packing, the dog runs off again (worse dog ever). Andy tells Heidi to wait in the car while he looks for the dog.

Joyce, in the meantime, is chilling in her dirty trailer when the ghost slaves warn her that the “bad man” is coming. She sees him and tries screaming for Heidi to warn her. The Bad Man sees her and starts walking her way. She runs into her dirty trailer.



Okay, so, all jokes aside, this part is pretty cool. We’re treated to a bunch of shaking the trailer moments before...Well, honestly I don’t even know how to describe it. I guess you could say he left her in stitches. (rimshot)




All right, so after that the Bad Man, presumably the evil ghost of the stationmaster, comes after Heidi. Lisa is warned by a ghost who points her in the direction of the sound of breaking glass. Lisa finds the car with broken windows and Heidi is gone. Andy shows up just in time to see her freaking out. They split up to look for her.



Lisa runs off to Joyce’s trailer where she kicks open and door and...again it defies explanation.




She manages to cut her down and the strings disappeared like POOF. She asks her sister where Heidi is and her sister says through a mouthful of maggots that she’s with hiiiim. So Lisa tries to take some more happy pills, but her sister takes them from her and instructs her to follow the ghost people to her daughter.




Lisa does and finds her in the hole, which, as it turns out has lots more bodies hidden there, including Mama Kay’s relatives. Then...well, she trips and her lantern falls and catches the place on fire. I only mention that because I forgot that even happened because there’s no real indication of said fire for the rest of this scene. Except it’s not dark anymore.




But anyway, the stationmaster ghost finds her just as she finds a way out. She gets Heidi out and the stationmaster is just about to...I don’t know, scare her to death when she sees the ghost of her mother who gives her a play by play of the stationmaster’s history, which would have been interesting except Lisa was swimming in happy pills for this whole movie, so, she missed out on what we all knew already.




So, Lisa, finally having a chance to properly review the program properly is able to escape because now she acknowledges the ghosts in the hole. The ghosts surround the stationmaster and he goes whoosh in a big tornado.




Two weeks later, Andy’s putting in a new swing, Joyce is perfectly fine, and Lisa has stopped taking her happy pills. Per the afterword, Lisa and Heidi never see visions again. We even get treated to a picture of the real people this story is based on.




So, what do I give this one? Well, I guess I give it a jewel. I mean, it had it’s problem, but it wasn’t...bad, really. Maybe just a pink jewel this time.




Next week...is a surprise! In all my haste, I completely forgot to get a new movie for the week. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what’s next!

See you next time!
O~
 *