What up, horror fans! Welcome to another edition of Will Twerk for Horror movies.
As teased last week, today’s movie is a page pulled from the library of one of my idols – Stephen King. (Just in time for the Pet Sematary remake, as it happens. Will I watch it? Yes. Will I enjoy it? Probably not, but that’s another rant for another day.)
Now, before we get going with this week’s movie, I have to tell you how deep my love for Stephen King’s work runs. One of his books was the first real grown-up horror novel I ever read (Thinner – the storytelling blew my mind as I did not know it was possible to create unlikable characters that you end up rooting for by the end), my Jeopardy-like brain has filed more fun facts about him than most other things in my life (can’t tell you what size pants I wear, but I can rattle off his first four books without blinking an eye), and I’m currently on a quest to read everything he’s ever written.
One of the fun facts about Stephen King’s work is that once upon a time, particularly towards the beginning of his career, there was a distinct continuity problem between his movies and his books. It used to be said (at least among my people) that when perusing King’s work, you must either watch the movie or read the book. Do not. Under ANY circumstances. Do both. You will become enraged. Guaranteed.
Why? Well, part of the problem was the simple fact that writers often do not have any control over the story once it makes it to the big screen and, as a result, the story is often changed. The severity of that change depends on who’s got a hold of it.
The other part of the problem (and this is just in my humble opinion) is that much of what goes on in a Stephen King book is all inner monologue and twists and turns inside of a person’s mind. Great to read (especially when you can turn the hell out of a phrase like King can), not so easy to put on screen.
Case in point:
A Good Marriage starring Anthony LaPaglia, Joan Allen, Stephen Lang, Cara Buono, and Kristen Connelly.
So, here we have Bob(LaPaglia) and Darcy Anderson(Allen) celebrating their 25th anniversary. They're doing it up big with their friends and family in a big hall with a DJ and all the trimmings and such. Darcy’s hot best friend Betty (Buono) is even there and she’s very drunk. So drunk that she talks about that one chick that they knew was dead and the police found her tortured to death, Darcy laughs her off.
So, anyway. Bob is an accountant, you see, and the two of them also have a nice little at home business where they appraise coins. They have a big pretty house and have awesome sex—
Side note – it wasn’t awesome. It was weird. Bob is a grunter. A starey grunter. (shudder)
Humdrum as it may be, Bob and Darcy love their little life. The next morning, Bob has to go on a business trip. Darcy merrily kisses her husband goodbye and goes about her merry life. As the day goes on, she finds little notes from him strategically placed to stop her from eating too much candy and so forth. When the television is stuck on a slasher movie and she tries to change the channel, she finds the remote is dead. She goes out to the garage to get new batteries.
In the garage, she actually comes across BDSM magazines and a little box with an ID of a woman that’s been reported missing in connection to a local serial killer by the name of Beadie.
So, Darcy’s freaking out. She gets back to the house just in time to hear the phone ringing. It’s her husband. He can hear that she’s upset, but she plays it off like “Oh, I was just thinking about my dead sister, that’s all. Heh.”
After talking to him, she looks up the information on the internet and finds not only the information on the missing woman, but also on several other Beadie victims. Putting it all together she realizes that her husband is the serial killer that everyone’s talking about.
Well, the subterfuge doesn’t work. By the next morning, she’s surprised by Bob who decided to come back home because he could tell that there was something wrong. Only he’s noticed his things have been moved. He’s also checked the search history on Darcy’s computer.
But it’s all cool, he tells her. See, it’s just him and his friend and his friend does all the killing. What friend? Oh, you know, his childhood friend. That one that helped him plan a school shooting and then got ran down by a truck before they could do it. That one. The dead one.
So, he tells her that after they were married, “B.D.” started coming around again and he’s felt the need to rape and murder women. Since he doesn’t do the killing – B.D. does – he pleads with his wife to understand. She thinks about it and she tells him that he can’t kill anybody else ever again and he has to bury the ID and information of his last victim. He agrees.
So, months go by of dry “Gee-I-hope-he’s-not-killing-anybody-maybe-I-ought-to-just-kill-him” stuff. All the while, Darcy notices a creepy man watching them from his car.
Life goes on and one day Bob finds a special coin that he’s been looking for since the beginning of the movie. He takes the coin to his wife and they decide to go out to celebrate. They have dinner and come home and she promises him a little nookie before bed if he gets her some fizzy water. Bob’s all like:
He gets the water and brings it up the stairs. Unfortunately, he doesn’t make it far because she pushes him over the banister where he plunges to the floor below.
One of the fun facts about Stephen King’s work is that once upon a time, particularly towards the beginning of his career, there was a distinct continuity problem between his movies and his books. It used to be said (at least among my people) that when perusing King’s work, you must either watch the movie or read the book. Do not. Under ANY circumstances. Do both. You will become enraged. Guaranteed.
Why? Well, part of the problem was the simple fact that writers often do not have any control over the story once it makes it to the big screen and, as a result, the story is often changed. The severity of that change depends on who’s got a hold of it.
The other part of the problem (and this is just in my humble opinion) is that much of what goes on in a Stephen King book is all inner monologue and twists and turns inside of a person’s mind. Great to read (especially when you can turn the hell out of a phrase like King can), not so easy to put on screen.
Case in point:
A Good Marriage starring Anthony LaPaglia, Joan Allen, Stephen Lang, Cara Buono, and Kristen Connelly.
So, here we have Bob(LaPaglia) and Darcy Anderson(Allen) celebrating their 25th anniversary. They're doing it up big with their friends and family in a big hall with a DJ and all the trimmings and such. Darcy’s hot best friend Betty (Buono) is even there and she’s very drunk. So drunk that she talks about that one chick that they knew was dead and the police found her tortured to death, Darcy laughs her off.
So, anyway. Bob is an accountant, you see, and the two of them also have a nice little at home business where they appraise coins. They have a big pretty house and have awesome sex—
Side note – it wasn’t awesome. It was weird. Bob is a grunter. A starey grunter. (shudder)
Humdrum as it may be, Bob and Darcy love their little life. The next morning, Bob has to go on a business trip. Darcy merrily kisses her husband goodbye and goes about her merry life. As the day goes on, she finds little notes from him strategically placed to stop her from eating too much candy and so forth. When the television is stuck on a slasher movie and she tries to change the channel, she finds the remote is dead. She goes out to the garage to get new batteries.
In the garage, she actually comes across BDSM magazines and a little box with an ID of a woman that’s been reported missing in connection to a local serial killer by the name of Beadie.
So, Darcy’s freaking out. She gets back to the house just in time to hear the phone ringing. It’s her husband. He can hear that she’s upset, but she plays it off like “Oh, I was just thinking about my dead sister, that’s all. Heh.”
After talking to him, she looks up the information on the internet and finds not only the information on the missing woman, but also on several other Beadie victims. Putting it all together she realizes that her husband is the serial killer that everyone’s talking about.
Well, the subterfuge doesn’t work. By the next morning, she’s surprised by Bob who decided to come back home because he could tell that there was something wrong. Only he’s noticed his things have been moved. He’s also checked the search history on Darcy’s computer.
But it’s all cool, he tells her. See, it’s just him and his friend and his friend does all the killing. What friend? Oh, you know, his childhood friend. That one that helped him plan a school shooting and then got ran down by a truck before they could do it. That one. The dead one.
So, he tells her that after they were married, “B.D.” started coming around again and he’s felt the need to rape and murder women. Since he doesn’t do the killing – B.D. does – he pleads with his wife to understand. She thinks about it and she tells him that he can’t kill anybody else ever again and he has to bury the ID and information of his last victim. He agrees.
So, months go by of dry “Gee-I-hope-he’s-not-killing-anybody-maybe-I-ought-to-just-kill-him” stuff. All the while, Darcy notices a creepy man watching them from his car.
Life goes on and one day Bob finds a special coin that he’s been looking for since the beginning of the movie. He takes the coin to his wife and they decide to go out to celebrate. They have dinner and come home and she promises him a little nookie before bed if he gets her some fizzy water. Bob’s all like:
He gets the water and brings it up the stairs. Unfortunately, he doesn’t make it far because she pushes him over the banister where he plunges to the floor below.
When she realizes he’s not dead, she suffocates him with a rag and a plastic bag, then calls 911 to tell them her husband slipped and fell.
Her husband dead, she goes on with her life. One day, the man that’s been following her decides to pay her a visit. He tells her that he’s a retired detective and he’s been investigating the Beadie murder. He tells her that he knows her husband was the killer and he knows all about her part in his death. Darcy threatens him, but he leaves, giving her the impression that she’s not going to hurt him. He then goes to his car and promptly passes out. He’s found by a neighbor and taken to the hospital.
Later, Darcy visits him in the hospital and debates killing him. He tells her not to bother because he’s not going to tell. He also tells her that she did the right thing.
Hey. You awake over there? No? Can’t say as I blame you.
Knowing his writing as I do, I’m sure A Good Marriage plays out well on the printed page…at least I hope it does. I’m not that far in my readings just yet. This movie, however, was just so booooooorrrrriiinnngg. It's a nice story and, perhaps, if this came on the Lifetime channel and nothing else was on, I might find myself having a different opinion about it. It is slow and it never picks up and it goes on about thirty minutes longer than it should. If you want to watch this one with dear old grandma, go for it.
As I’ve said before in this blog, do what you like in a horror movie, but keep us entertained, please. There is no greater crime in a horror movie than boring your audience.
Does it get a jewel? Meh. I’ll give it an honorary jewel on the faith that the novella has got to be better than the movie.
So, Next week’s movie? A Criterion Classic - Carnival of Souls. See you here next week!
O~
*
No comments:
Post a Comment