Sunday, January 13, 2019

Well, this seems like a nice movie-- OMG IS HE EATING THAT WOMAN'S EYEBALL?!?!

Ahoy-hoy Horror fans! And welcome to another edition of Will Twerk for Horror Movies!

So, this week’s horror movie reminds me of a stupid thing I tried to do about four or five years ago. Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

Once upon a time, I found myself getting a little burned out on horror movies. You see, at the time, I realized that I hadn’t seen any horror movies lately that thrilled me very much. For a while, horror movies kind of lacked imagination. It was all chop up some bodies, throw blood at the screen, call it a day. (Still, looking at you Eli Roth)

So, I set upon a mission to find the most thoroughly f’ed up movie I could lay my hands on. I went through a lot of trash and a lot of Asian horror before the coup de grace fell in my lap.

That movie was A Serbian Film. Now, before I go any further, what I am about to say is NOT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM AN ENDORSEMENT. You’re going to read this and say to yourself “Hey, if it’s that’s messed up, maybe I should watch it.” LISTEN TO ME. Watch. This. Movie. At. Your. Own. Risk! This movie is not for the casual horror movie watcher. Only advanced horror nerds need apply.

And if you DO decide to watch A Serbian Film - DO NOT COME FOR ME. Do not email me. Do not tweet me. Do not slide into my DMs or catch me in the street with your “OHMYF’INGGODWHYDIDYOUMAKEMEWATCHTHATMOVIE?!?!?” crap. I just sat here and tried to warn your hard-headed behinds.

All of that being said, I learned that day what my limit for horror is. At the top of my “Great Caesar’s Ghost! WTH did I just watch” list of horror, A Serbian Film is at the top. If there is anything out there that is worse than that, I’m really not interested.

That leads me to this week’s movie. Welcome to this special edition that I like to call “It’s not A Serbian Film, But It’s Still Pretty Messed Up.”

The movie?

found. Starring Gavin Brown, Ethan Philbeck, Phyllis Munro, Louie Lawless, Alex Kogin, and Edward Jackson.

Meet Marty(Brown). Marty is a twelve-year-old boy who likes horror movies and idolizes his older brother. He’s also a twelve-year-old boy who likes to snoop around the house and look at his family’s personal things when they’re not home...which is all fine and good until he finds the head of a black woman in a bowling ball bag in his brother Steve’s(Philbeck) closet.

The worst part about that is that it’s not even the first time he’s found a black woman’s head in a bowling ball bag in his brother’s closet.

So, Marty is also being bullied at school by a black kid named Marcus(Jackson). Marcus catches him in the bathroom one day and after harassing him in front of his friends, he tells everyone that Marty has a small penis and he likes boys AND he tried to kiss him. Marcus is punished with detention for his behavior, but the damage is already done. Everyone in school thinks Marty likes boys.

When Marty’s father finds out, he goes into a pretty terrible racist rant complete with N-bombs and everything at the dinner table. His mother offers little resistance. She just kind of changes the subject because, you know, racism.

Marty continues creeping around the house and his brother catches him in his room. When Marty tells his brother what happened to him, Steve is all: “What’s his name again? Bet.”

Marty’s mom feels bad about what happened to him, so she tells him he can have a sleepover with his friend David(Kogin) and he can even pick out whatever scary movie he likes at the video store...which has in the 80s.

Just a pause for a second. I imagine that this is supposed to take place in the 70s or 80s, but to be quite honest with you, the filmmakers don’t make too much of an effort to make that apparent. No one is wearing clothing from that time period, every car that you see was clearly built sometime during the 2000s. It’s like Marty and his family are experiencing a weird temporal pocket or something.

So, anyway, Marty picks out three horror movies, one of which is entitled “Headless”. When they try to rent it, they discover the video is missing. The video store guy tells him that the movie was probably stolen.

Later, after witnessing some weird stuff that Steve has been doing, he starts snooping in his brother’s room again to find the missing video, which a piece of paper noting certain times from the movie. He puts the video back and goes on with his life.

Then later, later, he’s doing the sleepover thing with David. They’re watching one of the other movies, but David is bored. Marty gets the bright idea to watch the movie that Steve stole instead. They watch it and it’s really disturbing.

I mean, really disturbing. So disturbing that Marty starts imagining that his brother as the killer in the movie...chopping off heads and boobs and eating eyeballs and screwing the skulls and bathing in the blood from their head stumps...

Yes, all that happens in the “Headless” movie, folks. And as a side note, if you are so inclined, you can watch the movie in its entirety as part of a special feature on the DVD. I was not so inclined.

So, twelve-year-old Marty is scarred by watching the movie...because he realizes that his brother is using the movie as a template for the murders he’s committing. David, being the good friend that he is, sees how shaken Marty is and completely denigrates him for it. After calling him all kinds of wusses, he tells Marty that he doesn’t like him anymore because everyone makes fun of him for being a wimp.

Marty gets pissed and decides he’s going to show David one of Steve’s bowling bag heads. He brings the bag into his room and opens it, only to find the head in the bag is Marcus’. David freaks out and goes and throws up in the bathroom, which wakes up Marty’s mom. When Marty’s mom goes to check on him, David tells her he wants to go home, he’s sick.

Marty, afraid his brother might catch him with the head, hides the bag in his closet. Steve, however, comes in his room in the middle of the night and steals it back.

The next morning, Marty is sweating at the prospect of his brother coming to kill him next. He goes to the movie with his father. When he goes to the bathroom, Steve comes in and threatens him. Marty promises he won’t narc him out and Steve tells him that they have to talk this whole thing out later.

Well, later, Marty hides out in a train yard (where there is a haunted train car for some reason? They never really explain that.) when his brother finds him. Steve confesses to him that he is definitely killing people, but only black people because he hates them. That’s why he killed Marcus, you see because that’s how they all act. Marty’s all: “No...Marcus was just an a-hole. Thanks for killing him anyway, though.”

Later, later, Marty’s mom takes him to church...which is in a park, but, okay. During the service, Marty goes wandering off, where another kid in their group follows him and teases for the rumors of him being gay. Marty snaps and beats the boy up. When the minister and Marty’s mom try to make him apologize, he gives them; “I’ll do it again! Screw that guy!”

You see, Marty feels good about sticking up for himself, even though it meant hurting another kid. When they get home, Marty’s dad flips out on him and starts beating him up.

No really, beating him up. Like punching him. Steve shows up and defends him and Steve starts beating their dad up. Their mom jumps on him and he pushes her down. It’s then that their father tells him to get out and never come back.

Later that night, Steve comes back. He lures Marty outside where he tells him that he wants him not to sleep in his own room, but rather, to stay in Steve’s room. Marty’s suspicious as all hell and is like: “I’m not doing that.”

They get into an argument, which wakes up with parents. When their father tries to front Steve off, Steve hits him with a shovel a bunch of times, then attacks their mother. Marty watches as he starts to rape his mother and he jumps on his back to stop him. Steve rams him into the wall and he’s knocked out.

When he wakes up, he’s tied to his brother’s bed with a ball gag in his mouth. From there, he hears his brother murdering his parents in the next room. After they’re dead, he comes into the room wearing nothing but a gas mask--

Another side note. I can’t show the picture here for the sake of common decency, but Steve is not only wearing only a gas mask and his parent’s blood, but he’s apparently part horse...or he had a telephone pole strapped to his legs.

He pulls off his mask and tells Marty that he had to kill their parents and in the morning, he would show him what he did and then he would understand why he had to do it. Marty is beside himself with terror and starts crying, which makes Steve realize that by murdering their parents, he’s hurt Marty too.

Not that that matters much because by morning, Steve’s walks out into broad daylight naked and bloody while his brother is still tied to the bed, with the remains of his parents surrounding him.

And that’s how it ends. Pretty messed up, right?

All in all, this one gets a jewel. I was quite disturbed by this movie, but, weirdly enough, I liked the concept. I’d have liked to see this one with a bigger budget and maybe more character development, but meh. Like I’ve said before, this ain’t Shakespeare.

Next week I’m going to have to do something different. The next DVD on the shelf is actually a compilation of all the old school Frankenstein movies. All eight of them, that is. Given that I’ve seen three of them, I’ll have to watch five and, instead of trying to hammer out one blog post on five movies, let’s just spread them out over the coming weeks instead. Sound good? Okay!

-- O~

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