Sunday, April 29, 2018

Brad Cutting Class

So. Cutting Class. *sigh*

A little disclaimer: Slasher films will always get an automatic A from me, just because they are slasher films. The minimum criteria for being a slasher film should include the four B’s: Blood, Boobs, Body Count, and Bad acting. That being said, I can confidently say that if Cutting Class were being’s a good thing for that automatic A.

There’s also an extra credit portion - star power. As I’ve mentioned before in my first blog: “Even George Clooney did a horror movie”. The bigger the star, the more extra credit points.

So, let’s switch this up a little. I’m gonna review Cutting Class on a grading system, you know, since the movie takes place in a high school.

Okay, so, here we go.

Blood: D-

There’s like, one bloody scene. One flash of a bloody scene. Like if you happen to blink at the precise moment, you’ll totally miss it. There’s very little gore or blood or anything slasher movie like. It’s kind of like watching an 80’s slasher movie on network television. The only reason it’s not an F is because it happened to be an axe to the face. I’s an axe to the face.

Boobs: F

One boob shot. One. Just one. And it lasts longer than the one blood scene.

That's not the boob the way.

Body Count: C+

There was an admirable amount of dead bodies, but it’s a high school slasher movie. I really would have liked to have seen all of the protagonist's friends murdered by the end of the movie. No such luck, though.

Bad Acting: A++++

Man, is it bad. It is SOOO bad. So, okay, every character was like a stereotype. Brad Pitt plays “The Jock”, Donovan Leitch, Jr. plays the “Creep teen who was just let out from a mental institution” and Jill Schoelen plays the “Virgin Cheerleader”.

Oh, but the best are the other stars in the movie. Roddy McDowell plays “The Perverted Principal” and Martin Mull plays the “dad-who-gets-shot-with-an-arrow-on-a-hunting-trip-two-miles-from-town-and-has-to-slowly-stumble-back-home-but-totally-gets-to-deliver-the-last-line-in-the-movie”.

That line, by the way, is “Why aren’t you in school? I hope you weren’t cutting class!” Heh.

So, I suppose that means that Cutting Class still gets an A even though it’s lacking on the Boobs and Blood. To be honest, I think I would actually enjoy this movie more if someone remade it with drag queens. I mean, it’s really begging to be campy and silly and it is sort of a meme of itself.

I'm not kidding about that. If there are any drag queen troupes out there, please, oh, please get together and make a remake of this. Rupaul, I'm looking at you!

Soo, next week’s movie? Chernobyl Diaries. I am SO stoked for this one. Yay! Found Footage movies!

-- O~

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